


Star Wars the Groupchat

by Allise



Series: Clone Wars Shenanigans and Self Indulgences [1]
Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence - Order 66, Everybody Lives, Everyone loves Obi-Wan Kenobi, Fluff and Humor, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hurt/Comfort, Infinite sadness, Light Angst, Melida/Daan, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Obi-Wan Kenobi-centric, Obi-Wan is baby, Order 66 Never Happens, he has several fanclubs, palpatine is a bitch, past Quinlan Vos/Obi-Wan Kenobi - Freeform, we said fuck Order 66
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:28:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 27,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24786202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allise/pseuds/Allise
Summary: [CC-3636 has added CC-2224, CC-6454, CT-7567, CC-1010, and CC-5052 to General][CC-3636 has  named the chat Fucking Shenanigans][CC-3636 has changed their name to Wolffe]Wolffe: @CC-2224 and @CT-7567 please come collect General Kenobi and save both him and myself from this embarrassment[CC-2224 has changed their name to Cody]Cody: . . . I almost don’t want to ask because this already feels like a disaster
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi/CT-7567 | Rex, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Clone Troopers, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Quinlan Vos, Obi-Wan Kenobi/CT-7567 | Rex, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Series: Clone Wars Shenanigans and Self Indulgences [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1792738
Comments: 680
Kudos: 2415





	1. Baby Energy

**Author's Note:**

> This is me making public my self indulgences

**[CC-3636 has added CC-2224, CC-6454, CT-7567, CC-1010, and CC-5052 to** **General** **]** ****

**[CC-3636 has named the chat** **Fucking Shenanigans ]**

**[CC-3636 has changed their name to Wolffe]**

**Wolffe: @CC-2224** and  **@CT-7567** please come collect General Kenobi and save both him and myself from this embarrassment

**[CC-2224 has changed their name to Cody]**

**Cody:** . . . I almost don’t want to ask because this already feels like a disaster

**Cody:** But I will

**Cody:** what’s happening?

**[CT-7567 has changed their name to Rex]**

**Rex:** also why tf did u ask me?

**Wolffe:** Both General Koon and General Fisto got hit with some drug from their last mission and are currently. . .  _ cooing _ over General Kenobi

**Wolffe:** I’d call it endearing if I wasn’t also in the same room as them 

**Wolffe:** also you’re just pretty close to the 212th’s General so I thought it’d be appropriate to call for you two in case Kote was busy

**[CC-6454 has changed their name to Ponds]**

**[CC-1010 has changed their name to Fox]**

**[CC-5052 has changed their name to Bly]**

**[Ponds has added Monnk to** **Fucking Shenanigans** **]**

**Monnk:** ??

**Ponds:** read up

**Monnk:** _ oh _

**Monnk:** rip General Kenobi

**Cody:** . . . I’m on my way

**Cody:** Rex is coming too

**Wolffe:** Honestly it’s kind of cute

**Wolffe:** Your general’s face is as red as Fox’s paint

**Monnk:** I’ll drag General Fisto awa

**Bly:** Is everything okay?? It’s been a hot minute

**Bly:** **@Monnk @Wolffe** what’s happening

**Rex:** General Fisto dragged Kenobi into his lap 

**Bly:** . . . sorry what

**Monnk:** Obi-Wan’s in Fisto’s lap 

**Ponds:** First name?

**Monnk:** “You two have learned and seen much more than I wanted you to Commanders, you may as well call me by my first name.” - Obi-Wan and his never ending suffering at the hands of two Jedi Councilors

**Wolffe:** The worst part about this is that I’m pretty sure Generals Fisto and Koon won’t regret this

**Rex:** yeah I’m getting that too

**Cody:** Anyways we’ve retrieved my General

**Rex:** rip Kenobi his face is red as kriff

**Rex:** can we get an f in the chat here for this poor baby

**Wolffe:** F

**Ponds:** f

**Bly:** F

**Fox:** F

**Bly:** f

**Monnk:** f

**Cody:** f

**Cody:** Does the General know you talk about him like this Rex’ika? Also please don’t call him a baby- I don’t want to read that with my own two eyes again

**Rex:** lmao 

**Rex:** yeah he does know he’s fine with it

**Rex:** wait watch this

**Bly:** ??

**[Cody has named the chat** **Kickstarter to Put Down Rex** **]**

**Bly:** _!!!!_

**Monnk:** what the kriff

**[Rex has sent a holo vid:** _ Opens with Obi-Wan centered in frame and Cody off to the side- cut off a bit from the camera. Rex’s hands are on Kenobi’s shoulders; though the General doesn’t look too put off by it, he is clearly confused. “No one else wants to admit it but everyone thinks you have baby energy” is heard, said by Rex. The video ends with the clear sound of Cody choking on his spit and Obi-Wan turning red _ **]**

**Ponds:** Oh my Force Rex

**Rex:** AM I WRONG

**Cody:** I cannot believe this

**Cody:** I’m asking General Kenobi if I can ground you

**Rex:** He’s too baby

**Cody:** he said yes but told me not to

**Rex:** see

**[Cody has changed their name to Revoke Rex Rights]**

**Rex:** ah

**Ponds:** . . .

**Ponds:** Rex isn’t wrong though

**Revoke Rex Rights:** _ I am revolted I am disgusted I dedicate my whole life to defending the Republic and this is the thanks I get _

**Ponds:** General Windu knew Kenobi since he was an Initiate 

**Ponds:** I hear stories

**Wolffe:** same with my General

**Fox:** General Vos hangs around sometimes and freely admitted to me that General Kenobi is the Jedi High Council’s ‘Baby’

**Revoke Rex Rights:** Ah

**Revoke Rex Rights:** General Vos is also a traitor

**[Ponds has added Eat Your Gree(ns) to** **Kickstarter to Put Down Rex** **]**

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** okay first of all

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** what the kriff is the chat name

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** two

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** why am I here

**Ponds:** Isn’t General Unduli friends with General Kenobi

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** She calls him Baby Face but yes go on

**Rex:** i am literally so elated to have all my theories validated 

**Rex:** your response fills with me joy

**Revoke Rex Rights:** I have come to the conclusion that all Jedi are now traitors

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** because Kenobi has baby energy?

**Rex:** Cody just groaned and slammed his head against the wall

**Rex:** Kenobi is rightfully looking at his Commander in concern

**Wolffe:** sounds about right

**[Ponds has changed Revoke Rex Rights’ name to RIP Kote]**

**RIP Kote:** All of you are traitors

**Rex:** you just don’t want to admit that I’m right and that your General has massive Baby Energy

**[Eat Your Gree(ns) has added Thire to** **Kickstarter to Put Down Rex** **]**

**Thire:** I’m not even going to question the chat name

**RIP Kote:** Why is this happening

**Rex:** General Kenobi is totally baby right

**Thire:** I once caught General Yoda whack General Vos on the leg and call him a bad influence and then immediately send General Kenobi to bed

**Thire:** _Yoda:_ Attachments, I do not have

**Thire:** _ Obi-Wan Kenobi: _ appears

**Thire:** _ Yoda: _ One attachment, I do have

**Rex:** I have never once in my whole life, felt as valid as right now

**RIP Kote:** Alright, no judgement here, but how many of you are on a first name basis with my General

**Bly:** Didn’t Obi-Wan tell you to call him by his first name too

**RIP Kote:** that is besides the point

**Ponds:** Generals Windu, Kenobi and I were talking once and I accidentally called him ‘Obes’ and literally nothing happened so now I call him that sometimes

**Monnk:** literally everyone in this chat is allowed to call him by his first name you repressed homosexual

**RIP Kote:** _ I am disowning all of you _

**RIP Kote:** I don’t think I can ever look Kenobi in the eyes again

**Rex:** literally just call him Obi 

**Rex:** I’ve heard you call him that once and I  _ know _ that he’s not bothered by it

**RIP Kote:** _I am booking a ship straight to Kamino and asking to be decommissioned as soon as possible_

**[Wolffe has changed RIP Kote’s name to Repressed Homosexual]**

**Fox:** I called him ‘Obes Kenobes’ once and all he did was give me a long suffering look before telling me to tell General Vos that he’d like to- quote on quote- “meet him in the pit” and then told me not to worry about it

**Fox:** ngl I just had a kriffing heart attack right then and there but after that I mostly call him by his first name

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** If you think  _ that’s bad?? _

**Repressed Homosexual:** _ oh no _

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** I called him _Baby Face_ _right to him simply because that’s all General Unduli calls him_

**Repressed Homosexual:** Literally none of you deserve rights

**Thire:** He’s got killer puppy eyes though

**Thire:** real sad

**Rex:** wtf he does??

**Fox:** ?

**Thire:** oh my sweet Force

**[Repressed Homosexual has named the chat** **Chat of Sin and Regret** **]**

**Ponds:** he does

**Wolffe:** Oh yeah, absolutely

**Thire:** he doesn’t do it often and I’m not even sure he’s aware of it

**Wolffe:** General Koon got  _ really _ sad when he did it once 

**Ponds:** _ I got really sad there’s literally no way to say no to that face _

**Bly:** Even with all this evidence I just can’t imagine it

**Fox:** I’m adding General Vos

**Repressed Homosexual:** all of you are heathans

**[Fox has added The Big Sexy to** **Chat of Sin and Regret** **]**

**Rex:** General Vos I say this with complete respect but

**Rex:** What the  _ Actual _ kriff is your user

**The Big Sexy:** I blame Garen

**The Big Sexy:** Also please just call me Quinlan or at Least just Vos when we’re not on the field

**The Big Sexy:** now why am I here???

**Fox:** does General Kenobi have puppy eyes

**The Big Sexy:** It is so very important to me that you never bring up this conversation or mention he has incredibly effective puppy eyes to Obi ever

**The Big Sexy:** he doesn’t know and it’s an honest to Force blessing that he doesn’t yet

**The Big Sexy:** If he knew Obes would become even more of a little shit

**Fox:** I’m going to take that as a yes

**The Big Sexy:** that is 100% correct

**The Big Sexy:** he already has a good portion of the Order wrapped around his little pinky he has too much power

**Rex:** ajbfvdsafkb aight

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** hmm sounds pretty sus

**The Big Sexy:** I once saw The Duchess Satine nearly punch someone because Obes kriffing  _ frowned _ when some reporter was being rude to him

**Repressed Homosexual:** wait  _ really _

**Rex:** _ softly but with feeling:  _ holy shit

**The Big Sexy:** . . . is that you Commander Cody

**Ponds:** it is

**The Big Sexy:** huh

**Bly:** why is that such a big thing???

**Repressed Homosexual:** The Duchess Satine of Mandalore is an incredibly dedicated Pacifist who would rather fling herself off a balcony than fire a blaster- she just  _ doesn’t do violence _

**The Big Sexy:** and yet she nearly threw hands because Obes made a frowny face in her visual vicinity 

**Bly:** _h u h_

**Wolffe:** I’m not going to lie

**Wolffe:** but I’m kind of impressed

**The Big Sexy:** and could you believe that his ‘I’m not made, I’m just disappointed. I thought you could do better’ face is  _ just _ as bad

**Fox:** I understand that there are actual  _ levels _ for that one?

**Rex:** _yes_

**The Big Sexy:** There’s level 1, which is just the general ‘I’m disappointed’ stare

**Rex:** not so bad but still makes you feel like bantha shit but is therefore the most common

**The Big Sexy:** Level 2 and 3 are much the same but is more geared to ‘I’m not mad’ and usually followed by a short lecture

**Rex:** Level 4 is when you start feeling like you’d be better off melting into the floor

**The Big Sexy:** that’s the ‘You let me down’ stare and thankfully I’ve never gotten past that one 

**The Big Sexy:** first time he looked at me like that was when he was 15 and I was 16 and I could barely look him in the eye for the next two days without feeling guilty and it’s probably only gotten more severe as we aged

**Ponds:** h u h

**Ponds:** and level 5?

**Rex:** oh god 

**Rex:** General Skywalker got stared down hard by a level 5 and he looked damn near to bursting into tears right then and there

**Rex:** his eyes were red and he couldn’t look General Kenobi in the eye and for all that he towers over Kenobi he looked really small then

**The Big Sexy:** yup that sounds like the ‘You let me down, I had hoped you would do better but I still care for you’ look and it is fucking  _ devastating  _ it makes you feel like you’re three inches tall from what I know

**The Big Sexy:** He successfully cowed most of the Council with that look once when they suggested a particularly stupid plan

**Thire:** . . . General Yoda did look really guilty

**Wolffe:** I am very impressed

**Wolffe:** is that it?

**Rex:** I have no idea how it could get  _ worse _

**The Big Sexy:** there is one more level

**Rex:** you’re kidding me

**The Big Sexy:** It’s like a combination of everything else and I have no idea how Qui-Gon Jinn could live with himself in the face of that

**Repressed Homosexual:** isn’t he Obi-Wan’s late master?

**The Big Sexy:** yeah he was a real dick and if I could I’d punch the man for what he did to Obes during his apprenticeship

**Monnk:** oh I think I know this

**Thire:** I’m pretty sure all the Commanders of the Councilors know it

**Rex:** huh

**Bly:** so level 6?

**The Big Sexy:** That’s the 

**The Big Sexy:** _ I knew you would let me down and it really hurts that you chose to do this but because I love you I will help you- but you have severely disappointed me.  _

**Bly:** I’m imagining it and I think I would actually rather die 

**The Big Sexy:** I’m pretty sure that that’s Obi’s super power

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** Could we get him to star down Dooku at a lv.6?

**Thire:** If he did that we could probably get him aligned back with the Jedi instead of the Sith

**Ponds:** oh for sure

**Bly:** back?

**Wolffe:** Darth Tyranus used to be Jedi Master Yan Dooku before he left the order

**The Big Sexy:** He’s Obi’s Grandmaster

**Fox:** wait

**Rex:** _ w h a t _


	2. Like a Pie With No Filling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repressed Homosexual/This is Fine: Cody  
> Rex/Brain Dead: Rex  
> Wolffe/Furry1/Cyborg: Wolffe  
> Fox/Furry2: Fox  
> Ponds/Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Baby: Tup  
> Thire/Tired of Your Shit: Thire  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Bly: Bly  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> The Best: Reeft  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Buir: Plo Koon  
> The Organ Mixtape: Breha Organa  
> The Organ Remix: Bail Organa  
> Fuck The Jedi Code: Nield  
> Echo: Echo  
> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano

**Repressed Homosexual:** **@Rex** come get your General he’s being stupid again

**Rex:** what the kriff

**Repressed Homosexual:** He is so so so  _ bad  _ at lying

**Rex:** oh fair

**Repressed Homosexual:** dfkhbohmyforce

**Wolffe:** ?

**Repressed Homosexual:** Obi-Wan snapped

**Ponds:** I’m surprised it’s taken this long

**Rex:** _Cody would you mind explaining to me why my General looks about 3 seconds away from fainting_

**Repressed Homosexual:** Obi-Wan finally told him that him and Senator Amidala are as subtle as a bantha in a ceramics shop

**The Big Sexy:** sounds about right

**Rex:** _oh fuck wait thats a jedi youre a jedi k a r k_

**The Big Sexy:** EVERYONE KNOWS ALREADY

**The Big Sexy:** fuck it even Mace knows I’m pretty sure

**Ponds:** He does

**Rex:** I can’t  _ believe _ Anakin is such a huge dumbass

**The Big Sexy:** one hetero idiot

* * *

**[Rex has added CT-5385 to** **Chat of Sin and Regret** **]**

**[Rex has changed CT-5385’s name to Baby]**

**Rex:** _ me immediately after having one (1) conversation:  _ if anything were to happen to Tup I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself

**Baby:** ,,,sir,,,,,p,please

**Rex:** look at this precious boy

**Repressed Homosexual:** I apologize in advance for this

**Baby:** c

**Baby:** Commander Cody?

**Repressed Homosexual:** _ I despise that it took you a whole five seconds of you looking at my user to figure out that it was me _

**Wolffe:** It’s not that hard to deduce

**Repressed Homosexual:** big words from a furry

**Fox:** oh my force

**[Thire has changed Wolffe’s name to Furry1]**

**[Thire has changed Fox’s name to Furry2]**

**Furry1:** _ I fucking despise each and every one of you disgraceful bastards _

**Rex:** _all of you are such bad influences there is a bABY IN THIS CHAT_

**Baby:** Im not baby!

**Bly:** you are

**The Big Sexy:** **@Repressed Homosexual** guess who’s joining the 212th this time!

**Repressed Homosexual:** oh hell yeah

**The Big Sexy:** I can’t wait to see Obes face when i show up

**The Big Sexy:** that poor fucker

* * *

**[The Big Sexy has added Rex to** **Maul has no dick sent tweet** **]**

**[The Big Sexy has added Cody to** **Maul has no dick sent tweet** **]**

**The Big Sexy:** . . . 

**The Big Sexy:** who the hell changed the chat name

**Am I wrong:** . . . AM I THOUGH

**[Calamari has named the chat** **The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad** **]**

**Calamari:** Siri please

**Am I Wrong:** I will not apologize for stating the karking truth

**Rex:** excuse my language but what the  _ fuck _

**Better than You:** fair

**The Big Sexy:** alright everyone who’s online roll call it

**Am I Wrong:** Siri Tachi

**Calamari:** Bant Eerin

**Better than You:** Garen Muln

**You Know:** Satine Kryze

**The Best:** Reeft

**Bastard Frog:** . . . Ponds

**Cyborg:** Wolffe

**Tired of Your Shit:** Thire

**Queen:** Padme Amidala

**Rex:** I’m sorry

**Rex:** _ THE SENATOR OF NABOO AND THE DUCHESS OF MANDALORE _

**Cody:**

**Cody:** does General Kenobi know about this?

**The Big Sexy:** i’m not gonna lie but i have no idea

**Am I Wrong:** he might???

**The Best:** he might suspect it but I don’t think he  _ knows _

**Rex:** _ there’s 20+ people in this chat?? _

**Calamari:** yeah

**Rex:** h u h

**Window:** Ranks and such don’t matter here

**Rex:** thanks???

**Rex:** _laughs nervously:_ what the kark

**Bastard Frog:** thats master windu

**Rex:** _THE HIGH GENERALS ARE HERE_

**Window:** Most of the council is on here

**Window:** Master Yoda is lurking I think

**Shrubbery:** Lurking I am not

**Rex: @Calamari** i think im having a stroke

**Buir:** That sounds about right

**Cody:** Is that you General Koon?

**Buir:** Plo is fine son

**Cody:** hmmm

**Cody:**

**[Cody has changed their name to This is Fine]**

**The Organ Mixtape:** ah Cody and Rex have finally been added

**This is Fine:** Senator Organa?

**The Organ Remix:** wrong one

**This is Fine:** o h

**This is Fine:** Queen Organa then

**This is Fine:** and you’re Senator Organa

**Queen:** you might as well call them by their first names

**Better Than You:** is Rex good?

**[Rex has changed their name to Brain Dead]**

**Better Than You:** ah

**Better Than You:** well then

**Brain Dead:** on all levels except physical I am a puddle of goo

**The Big Sexy:** alright fair

**Brain Dead:** is there any reason why you added us into the chat??

**Calamari:** it seemed right

**Fuck the Jedi Code:** y’all finally added them?

**The Best:** lmao yeah

**Brain Dead:** whomst the fuck

**Fuck the Jedi Code:** lmao

* * *

**[Rex has added CT-1409 and CT-5555 to** **Chat of Sin and Regret** **]**

**[CT-1409 has changed their name to Echo]**

**[CT-5555 has changed their name to A Five is Speaking]**

**Wolffe:** What in the Republic happened to this groupchat

**Ponds:** it’s being taken over by the 501st 

**Baby:** ,,,,sorry??

**Ponds:** Not you ad’ika you’re precious 

**Repressed Homosexual:** Blame Rex

**Rex:** eXCUSE YOU

**Echo:** _ dfjaflagkjndagoh _

**Echo:** General Skywalker can’t sing for shit

**Rex:** oh my force

**Echo:** _Skywalker:_ how’s my singing Obi-Wan?

**Echo:** _ Kenobi: _ it’s like ordering a pie and finding it has no filling

**Echo:** _ Skywalker: _ . . .yOU NEED A NAP!

**Echo:** I’m pretty sure Commander Tano took a holo vid 

**[Wolffe has added COMMANDER Tano to** **Chat of Sin and Regret** **]**

**[COMMANDER Tano has changed their name to Cannibal]**

**Repressed Homosexual:** . . . do I need to be aware of anything?

**Cannibal:** cODY???

**Repressed Homosexual:** _ s i g h _

**Bly:** read up

**Cannibal:** oh I got u

**[Cannibal has sent a holo video:** _ Anakin is singing incredibly badly as he tinkers with some droid parts. Switches to Ahsoka who has a grimace but is clearly trying not to laugh as he continues his caterwauling. He stops and the camera switches back to focus on him; Kenobi is in the back sipping tea and reading something on his pad. “How’s my singing Obi-Wan!” Kenobi, without looking up, immediately replies. “It’s like ordering a pie and finding it has no filling.” Obi-Wan gets up and leaves the room, Anakin staring as his former master retreats in shock before he flushes and shouts after him- his voice cracks. “YOU NEED A NAP!” The camera is shaking from Ahsoka’s laughter before it ends. _ **]**

**A Five is Speaking:** OH MY FORCE

**Rex:** my general is a disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repressed Homosexual/This is Fine: Cody  
> Rex/Brain Dead: Rex  
> Wolffe/Furry1/Cyborg: Wolffe  
> Fox/Furry2: Fox  
> Ponds/Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Baby: Tup  
> Thire/Tired of Your Shit: Thire  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Bly: Bly  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> The Best: Reeft  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Buir: Plo Koon  
> The Organ Mixtape: Breha Organa  
> The Organ Remix: Bail Organa  
> Fuck The Jedi Code: Nield  
> Echo: Echo  
> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano


	3. Not Good for Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repressed Homosexual/This is Fine: Cody  
> Rex/Brain Dead: Rex  
> Wolffe/Furry1/Cyborg: Wolffe  
> Fox/Furry2: Fox  
> Ponds/Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Baby: Tup  
> Thire/Tired of Your Shit: Thire  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Bly: Bly  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> The Best: Reeft  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Buir: Plo Koon  
> The Organ Mixtape: Breha Organa  
> The Organ Remix: Bail Organa  
> Fuck The Jedi Code: Nield  
> Echo: Echo  
> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano
> 
> [The Big Sexy has sent a holo pic] has a link to a doodle

**Cannibal:** _what’s up everybody! I regret everything i’ve ever done in my entire life ever_

 **Cannibal:** _i done did a mistake_

 **Rex:** put the body on ice I’ll grab Cody

 **Repressed Homosexual:** was it someone important?

 **Cannibal:**

**Cannibal:** I DIDN’T KILL ANYONE

 **Cannibal:** GUYS WHAT THE _KARKSAFKJHB_

 **Fox:** oh

 **Fox:** that’s a shame

 **Cannibal:** YOU’RE A _COP???_

**Fox:**

**Fox:** no comment

 **Cannibal:** ASFB _SAFHBF_

 **Cody:** anyways. . . what did you do?

 **Cannibal:** oh my g o d

 **Cannibal:** so y’all know that Master Obi-Wan trains me in Jar’Kai right??

 **Wolffe:** oh no

 **Cannibal:** he’s great it’s awesome I’m having fun and I’m learning a lot right?

 **Ponds:** oh n o

 **Cannibal:** eventually we move onto sparing! It’s great it’s a blast, we’re doing cool flips and shit and we look badass as _hell_

 **Cannibal:** and then i mess up doing one of the Katas and slip and my saber gets _flung at Master Obi-Wan’s f a c e_

 **Cannibal:** obviously he’s fine he’s Master Obi-Wan obviously but 

**Cannibal:** _my saber took out a good chunk of his beard so now he went to shave it and since then i’ve been slowly dying of mortification_

 **Rex:** _C o m m a n d e r_

 **Cannibal:** I KNOW

 **Cannibal:** REX HELP ME IM DYING IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING

 **Repressed Homosexual:** _that’s Hilarious_

 **Cannibal:** aAAAH _HHHHHHH_

**The Big Sexy:** anyone wanna tell my Obi-Wan’s beard is gone??

 **Fox:** read up

 **The Big Sexy:** _OH MY GOD_

 **Cannibal:** I K N O W

 **Cannibal:** I’VE BEEN HIDING DONT TELL HIM WHERE I AM

* * *

**[** **The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad** **]**

[**[The Big Sexy has sent a holo pic:** _It’s of Obi-Wan, clean shaven and looking over a data pad. He looks noticeably younger without the beard, more of his freckles are visible and his eyes seem bigger. He looks almost as young as Anakin_ **]**](https://alliseonline.tumblr.com/post/621789795575791616/the-big-sexy-has-sent-a-holo-pic-its-of)

**Better Than You:** _HOLY KARK HE LOOKS LIKE A PADAWAN_

 **You Know:** _that’s a nice view_

 **Brain Dead:** safkjbadb

 **You Know:** we’re all thinking it

 **The Big Sexy:** _oh kark the puppy eyes are going to be unbearable_

 **The Best:** we could totally get Dooku back on our side if Obes showed up like this

 **The Best:** like seriously how could you ever disappoint _that_ face 

**The Big Sexy:** you be Qui-Gon Jinn

 **Calamari:** come on Quin you know how Obi gets when you get like this

 **The Big Sexy:** I didn’t like him then and I still don’t like him now

 **The Big Sexy:** Obes is too forgiving

 **This is Fine:** Is anyone going to tell us not in the know about why General Vos doesn’t like Kenobi’s former master?

 **You Know:** Yes, I have been wondering about that

 **Queen:** Bail, Breh and I have been curious as well

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** oh right y’all don’t know about that one

 **The Big Sexy:** Obi doesn’t exactly make it public knowledge about his shitty padawanship

 **Shrubbery:** hmm, talk better about my former padawan you should

 **Window:** No, I do agree with Vos. Qui-Gon was not good for Obi-Wan, he deserved better. 

**Window:** Qui-Gon was my friend and a good Jedi- but that does not excuse what he did to Obi-Wan during their time together.

 **Brain Dead:** what happened?

 **The Big Sexy:** there’s a lot to go through

 **This is Fine:** I _don't_ like that

 **The Best:** none of us like it

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** we all lived through it

 **Brain Dead:** Okay wait, who is **@Fuck the Jedi Code**

**Bastard Frog:** I wasn’t going to say anything but yeah, I’d kind of like to know

 **Queen:** most of us _are_ in the dark about who you are, as well as how you know Obi-Wan?

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** Right

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** I’m Nield, I help Govern Medlidaan 

**Fuck the Jedi Code:** I was the leader of one of the armies during the Melida/Daan civil war until Obi-Wan came and helped us settle a Peace treaty between us

 **Brain Dead:** General Kenobi helped negotiate a peace treaty? Is that why you’re in this chat?

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** Yeah

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** He was a general then too, just as I was

 **You Know:** A general?

 **You Know:** Forgive me if I’m wrong, I don’t remember much about the Melida/Daan conflict, but wasn’t that nearly two decades ago?

 **You Know:** Obi-Wan would have been 

**You Know:** He’s 37

 **You Know:** He’s 37 he would have been

 **You Know:** How old are you

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** 37

 **Queen:** You couldn’t have been

 **Queen:** You would have been _13 years old_

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** we were

 **Window:** Obi-Wan had been an apprentice for Master Jinn for about a year at the time when they were given an assignment, one of their very first. 

**Window:** They were sent on a rescue mission to retrieve Jedi Master Tahl who was captured by the Melida and was tortured.

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** There were three factions at the time. The Melida, the Daan, and The Young; which was us. We were children, sick of the war our parents and elders were fighting, we grew up knowing nothing of peace and we were tired of it. We ran and formed our own group to dissuade the war- Cerasi and I were the original leaders before Obi-Wan came along.

 **Window:** Yes. Kenobi and Jinn couldn’t do it on their own and were aided by The Young to retrieve Master Tahl.

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** We were desperate. A Jedi Master and Padawan showed up and we asked for help. We were practically begging at that point, so many of us had died. 

**Fuck the Jedi:** You all know by now that Obi has a big heart- he cares _so much_ and wants to help so so badly. He’s been like that since we met. He does what he thinks is right and he does it with everything he has.

 **Tired of Your Shit:** wait you

 **Tired of Your Shit:** tell me he didn’t

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** We pleaded our case. Jinn walked away. He deemed us a lost cause and _walked away without his Padawan_

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** Obi-Wan came back to us without his lightsaber and without his braid. He came to us as a General, a soldier, a negotiator. Not a Jedi.

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** We operated by ourselves for months. So many of us died- some as young as 7 or 8. Cerasi, Obi and I were the oldest, we were their leaders and we _won the war_

 **Fuck the Jedi Code:** We karking won and it all fell apart

**[Fuck the Jedi Order is typing. . .]**

**[Fuck the Jedi Order is typing. . .]**

**Fuck the Jedi Order:** Cerasi died

 **Fuck the Jedi Order:** One of our own didn’t think the Melida and the Daan had paid enough and tensions among the three of us were still high because we were kids and leading a newly created government and we were 13 coming off the high of being in a war

 **Fuck the Jedi Order:** _The bastard killed her and the peace we worked so hard for fell apart_

 **Fuck the Jedi Order:** None of us took it well- Obi held her as she died and I was so so angry and I needed to take it out on someone and he was _right there_ and he was supposed to help and we were kids

 **Fuck the Jedi Order:** I hated Obi-Wan. We went back to war and I hated him but he still helped. He called the Jedi and they sent Jinn back and we got our peace but I never got the chance to apologize until months after.

 **Fuck the Jedi Order:** He told me Jinn accepted him back as his Padawan learner and I _hated that man more than anything_

 **Fuck the Jedi Order:** _Jinn was responsible for a 13 year old child and he left him he abandoned Obi-Wan to fight in a war he deemed a lost cause he left him to die he left a child to die because they had differing opinions and i hate him_

 **Fuck the Jedi Order:** _kark_

 **[Fuck the Jedi Order has left** **The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad** **]**

 **Cyborg:** that h _appened_

 **Cyborg:** _A Jedi Master abandoned a child to lead a war and you just_ _let Jinn take him back_

 **Shrubbery:** The will of the Force, it was

 **Shrubbery:** A mistake it also was. Qui-Gon Jinn, my apprentice’s apprentice he used to be, hurt deeply by his own former padawan, who Fell. Xanatos, his name was, loved by his master, he was. Broken, Jinn became. Asked the Force I did. Answered, the Force did, a padawan he needed. 

**Shrubbery:** Obi-Wan Kenobi, Light and pure in the Force, needed by Qui-Gon he was. Help him, the Force knew, that Obi-Wan could. Bonded immediately they did, rare it was, so right I thought it was. Push them together I did.

 **Shrubbery:** Aged out, young Kenobi almost did and take him, my former grand padawan did not. Rejected young Kenobi, Qui-Gon did, hurt him he did. 

**Shrubbery:** To Bandomeer, I sent them. Qui-Gon, on a mission he was, so sent away young Kenobi was too. Last ditch attempt it was, to bring them together. Captured they were, Obi-Wan as a slave. Behind it, Xanatos was. Offered his life to save others, Obi-Wan did. Taken then as a Padawan, young Kenobi was.

 **Shrubbery:** Saved Jinn he did. Cost him himself it did. Regret that, I do.

 **Buir:** We should have done something sooner. Jinn nearly ruined Kenobi during their years with each other

 **Window:** It was the fault of the council- we believed in the Force too much and in the end we hurt one of our own through our inaction

 **The Big Sexy:** The reason he’s so terrifyingly competent is because he was kriffing _terrified_ of rejection

 **The Big Sexy:** He made himself the perfect padawan, the perfect apprentice, because Melida/Daan scarred him for life

 **The Big Sexy:** Tossed aside and put second all his life made him the way he is today

**Queen:**

**Queen:** I can’t believe this

 **Queen:** No I don’t want to believe it but it’s the truth I know it’s the truth

 **Queen:** he did that

 **You Know:** This explains a few things 

**This is Fine:** I just always thought that the General just studied once he knew he was going to be leading an army because of how adjusted he was to drawing battle plans and strategies

 **This is Fine:** This is so much worse

 **The Big Sexy:** after Melida/Daan Bant and I caught him studying late one night in the archives

 **The Big Sexy:** he was practically dead asleep where he was sitting studying war tactics and old plans from generals and captains and admirals

 **Calamari:** We had to drag him away and we ended up in Master Tahl’s and I’s rooms and obviously we asked him why he was studying all that stuff

 **Calamari:** Obi’s always been attuned more to the Cosmic and Unifying force than his master, he’s been having visions of the future since he was a child

 **Am I Wrong:** he’s always been scarily accurate

 **Calamari:** He was trembling and he was so pale when we got him into the rooms

 **The Big Sexy:** he said that he had to ‘prepare’ for the next one, that it would be greater and more terrible than before

 **Calamari:** When we woke up the next morning we asked him about it but he couldn’t remember, but it terrified us

 **Calamari:** It was when my master died when I went through with being a healer- I was never one for fighting so I put all my strengths into learning to heal and aid

 **The Big Sexy:** and I’m no leader I can’t draw up battle plans like Obes can and take responsibility for so many men so I became a Jedi Shadow to do my own part

 **The Best:** It took us a month before we all realized that Obi-Wan’s been preparing for this war since he was 13- we could tell when we looked over his plans and success rates and mortality rates

 **Buir:** Sadly, he was and still is the most experienced of all of us in terms of war and battle strategy

 **Bastard Frog:** little force gods

 **The Organ Remix:** He’s told me that he’s experienced in the art of war before but I thought he was just joking

 **The Organ Remix:** We were drinking and he was smiling and laughing when he said it I thought it was a joke

 **The Best:** honestly it was because of Master Jinn that we created this groupchat

 **The Best:** he wasn’t healthy for Obi

 **The Big Sexy:** damn right he wasn’t

 **The Big Sexy:** poor kid always gets the worst of things

 **Am I Wrong:** you’re only a year older than him Quin

 **The Big Sexy:** look at his baby face and tell me you don’t think the same

 **The Big Sexy:** his contact on Lumi’s comm is literally ‘Baby Face’ with a heart next to it

 **Better Than You:** is anyone gonna add Nield back in??

 **The Best:** do any of us actually have his comm info? How did he even get in in the first place???

 **Calamari:** I got it

 **[Calamari has added Fuck the Jedi Code to** **The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad** **]**

**[Fuck the Jedi Code has changed their name to Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn]**

**Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn:** can I get an f in the chat for some solidarity 

**The Big Sexy:** _F for fuck that bastard_

 **The Best:** f

 **Better Than You:** f

 **Am I Wrong:** F

 **This is Fine:** F

 **Brain Dead:** f

 **You Know:** F

 **Queen:** F

 **The Organ Mixtape:** f

 **The Organ Remix:** f

 **Cyborg:** F

 **Bastard Frog:** F

 **Tired of Your Shit:** F

 **Window:** _f_

 **Buir:** f

 **Shrubbery:** f

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was Not supposed to turn out as sad as it was oh dear
> 
> Repressed Homosexual/This is Fine: Cody  
> Rex/Brain Dead: Rex  
> Wolffe/Furry1/Cyborg: Wolffe  
> Fox/Furry2: Fox  
> Ponds/Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Baby: Tup  
> Thire/Tired of Your Shit: Thire  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Bly: Bly  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> The Best: Reeft  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Buir: Plo Koon  
> The Organ Mixtape: Breha Organa  
> The Organ Remix: Bail Organa  
> Fuck The Jedi Code: Nield  
> Echo: Echo  
> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano


	4. Mom!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repressed Homosexual/This is Fine/Dad1: Cody  
> Rex/Brain Dead/Dad2: Rex  
> Ponds/Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Baby: Tup  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> The Best: Reeft  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Echo/Rex’s Fave: Echo  
> Cannibal/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Waxed: Waxer  
> Boiled: Boil  
> Gregory: Gregor  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Stickshift: Gearshift  
> Crying in the Club: Crys  
> Resident Bantha: Wooley  
> Kix: Kix  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Fisting: Kit Fisto

**[Dad2 has added Rex’s Fav to** **Everyone Else Apparently** **]**

 **Rex’s Fav:** uuhhh

 **Rex’s Fav:** what

 **Dad1:** Welcome to what used to be the 212th’s groupchat

 **Rex’s Fav:** was??

 **Dad2:** Cody added me and then I added everyone else

 **Dad2:** you’re the last of the 501st to be added

 **Rex’s Fav:** damn and i thought i was ur favorite

 **Dad2:** u r

 **Dad2:** but ur also a chaotic bastard

 **Baby:** hey Echo!

 **Rex’s Fav:** is Tup’s user going to be Baby in every groupchat

 **Dad1:** absolutely

 **Baby:** I’m not baby!

 **Dad2:** you absolutely are

 **Dad1:** Tup’ika

 **Baby:** >:(

 **Waxed:** _softly:_ aww

 **Baby:** _ >:( _

**Boiled:** you’re not stealing Tup

 **Waxed:** General Kenobi would help me!

 **Boiled:** _kark you there’s no way in hell!_

 **Waxed:** TUP IS ADORABLE

 **Waxed: @Dad2** I’M STEALING YOUR KID

 **Dad2:** I’ll tell Kenobi who lost his favorite tea brand

 **Waxed:** _gasp:_ dad no

 **Dad2:** Dad yes

 **Dad2:** also when tf did I become a father figure

 **Gregory:** Tup

 **Waxed:** Tup

 **Rex’s Fav:** Tup

 **Dad1:** Tup

 **Dad2:** damn aight

 **Mom:** _QUINLAN VOS YOU ABSOLUTE W H O R E_

 **Mom:** Ah

 **Mom:** Sorry, this was the wrong chat and I will kindly ask that you do not repeat what I said to anyone else.

 **Stickshift:** of course General

 **Mom:** thank you : )

**[Mom is Idle]**

**Crying in the Club:** lmao wonder what Gen. Vos did now

 **Rex’s Fav:** safjbbsdkDJBWHAT

 **Rex’s Fav:** is

 **Rex’s Fav:** is Mom general kenobi

 **Boiled:** literally who else would it be

 **The OG Kid:** yeah that was Obi-Wan

 **The Improved Kid:** yup

 **Rex’s Fav:** literally whomst the kark

 **Dad2: @The OG Kid** is General Skywalker and **@The Improved Kid** is Commander Tano

 **Rex’s Fav:** i think i saw my life flash before my eyes

 **Rex’s Fav:** i’m so sorry sirs

 **The Improved Kid:** lmao don’t sweat it Echo

 **The OG Kid:** yeah you’re fine also don’t call us sirs in the chat

 **The OG Kid:** regs and such aren’t a big deal here

 **The Improved Kid:** yeah you rlly just need to worry about Obi-Wan and Cody

 **Dad2:** uh _excuse me??_

 **The OG Kid:** like Ahsoka said

 **The OG Kid:** you really only need to worry about them

 **Dad2:** _karking r u d e_

 **Dad2: @Dad1** do I have permission to ground these two kids

 **Dad1:** ask Obi-Wan

 **Dad2: @Mom** do I have the _power_ to ground these kids

 **Mom:** You can ground Anakin

**[Mom is Idle]**

**The OG Kid:** _OBI-WAN_

 **Dad2:** you’re grounded Skywalker

 **Dad2:** get up on the fridge

 **The OG Kid:** this _house is_ _a KRIFFING NIGHTMARE_

 **Rex’s Fav:** jkdfbf y’all wild

 **The Improved Kid:** y’all

 **Boiled:** y’all

 **Waxed:** y’all

 **Gregory:** y’all

 **Baby:** Y’all

 **Dad1:** Y’all

 **Dad2:** y’all

 **The OG Kid:** y’all

 **Stickshift:** y’all

 **Crying in the Club:** y’all

 **Rex’s Fav:** literally _kark every single one of you_

 **Resident Bantha:** lmao

 **Rex’s Fav:** literally who the hell 

**Resident Bantha:** Wooley

 **Resident Bantha:** anyone else dying to know what the hell Vos did this time

 **Waxed:** he probably got caught with Commander Fox in the supply closet again

 **The OG Kid:** _I KNEW IT_

 **Dad2:** you weren’t much better 

**The OG Kid:** _i totally was_

 **Dad1:** You were making out with senator Amidala literally five feet away from General Yoda

 **The Improved Kid:** lmao 

**Rex’s Fav:** what on earth are the stories behind Skywalker’s and Tano’s users

 **Dad1:** they were fighting over who was Obi-Wan’s favorite a few weeks ago

 **Dad2:** here i still have the holo vid of it

 **The OG Kid:** REX DON’T YOU D A R E

 **[Dad2 has sent a holo vid:** _Taken from Rex’s POV, he’s chasing Anakin and Ahsoka through the halls of the Temple- heading for Obi-Wan’s rooms. The two are arguing as they run. Anakin enters the rooms first before Ahsoka and Rex follow. “Obi-Wan!” Anakin rushes forward but Ahsoka pushes him aside and latches onto the surprised Jedi’s arm, ignoring Cody seated on the sofa. “I’m his favorite! He’s teaching me Jar’kai!” Skywalker loops his arm around Kenobi’s shoulder. “I am! He trained me first!” The two descend into bickering while Rex moves closer to Cody as the two sit back and watch this tug-of-war play out. Obi-Wan sighs, “Unlike you, dear one, Ahsoka actually knows how to make a good cup of tea, so of course she’s my favorite right now.” Anakin shrieks as Ahsoka cackles._ **]**

 **Rex’s Fav:** oh my force

 **The OG Kid:** _THE ONLY REASON YOURE HIS FAVORITE IS BECAUSE YOU CAN MAKE TEA THATS IT THAT DOESNT COUNT_

 **The Improved Kid:** _YEAH BUT HE STILL SAID IM HIS FAVORITE DIDNT HE_

 **The OG Kid:** _THAT DOESNT EVEN MAKE SENSE_

 **The Improved Kid:** _MEET ME IN THE P I T SKYGUY MASTER OBI-WAN’S BEEN TEACHING ME SOME NEW MOVES AND IM GONNA KICK UR ASS_

 **The OG Kid:** _TRY ME SNIPS_

 **The Improved Kid:** _LETS G O O O O_

**[The Improved Kid is Idle]**

**[The OG Kid is Idle]**

**Baby: @Mom**! General Skywalker and Commander Tano are fighting again!

 **Mom:** Thank you Tup’ika I’m on my way.

 **Mom:** Whoever’s closest please make sure they don’t destroy too much of the training areas, and please try and get them to stop.

 **Mom:** Assuming they even got that far before starting. Honestly, those two.

 **Crying in the Club:** I’ll make my way to their locati

 **Crying in the Club:** _sigh_ Waxer Hardcase and Boil are egging them on 

**Mom:** Oh dear

 **Crying in the Club:** they actually made it into the training area before pulling our their sabers this time though!

 **Kix:** What the _kark_ are you all doing who needs a medic

 **;)Case:** why do you always assume something went wrong

 **Kix:** I’m with Obi-Wan right now and he has the ‘I’m too old for this shit’ face

 **Stickshift:** Skywalker and Tano are duking it out in the training area

 **Stickshift:** fighting over who’s Obi-Wan’s favorite again

 **Kix:** _of course_

 **Mom:** Tell them that unless they stop right now, I won’t be making any dessert when we get back to the Temple

 **Rex’s Fav:** will that rlly work??

 **The OG Kid:** OBI-WAN!!! >:O

 **The Improved Kid:** WE’RE NOT FIGHTING ANYMORE I SWEAR

 **Mom:** Good. 

**Mom:** Neither of you are my favorite, I care for you both very much. Though Ahsoka does make a very nice tea.

**[Mom is Idle]**

**The Improved Kid:** _SUCK ON THAT SKYGUY_

 **The OG Kid:** _KARK OFF_

 **Dad1:** _sigh_

**[Dad1 has muted The OG Kid and The Improved Kid]**

**Dad1:** They’ll get their rights back in five minutes

 **Rex’s Fav:** this chat is a disaster

 **Dad2:** tell me about it

* * *

**[ The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad]**

**The Big Sexy:** Obi called me a whore :(

 **The Best:** it’s what you deserve

 **Better Than You:** you got caught in the closet with Fox again didn’t you

 **Bastard Frog:** _that motherfucker owes me so many credits_

 **Window:** I hate that all of you are like this

 **Am I Wrong:** Jedi aren’t supposed to hate Master Windu

 **Window:** _I am greatly annoyed that all of you are like this_

 **The Big Sexy:** WHY AM I THE ONE BEING BULLIED

 **The Big Sexy:** OBES JUST CALLED ME A _WHORE_

 **Fisting:** Is he wrong though

 **The Big Sexy:** _KIT FISTO LITERALLY LOOK AT YOUR USER_

 **Fisting:** I find nothing wrong

 **The Big Sexy:** _AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repressed Homosexual/This is Fine/Dad1: Cody  
> Rex/Brain Dead/Dad2: Rex  
> Ponds/Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Baby: Tup  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> The Best: Reeft  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Echo/Rex’s Fave: Echo  
> Cannibal/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Waxed: Waxer  
> Boiled: Boil  
> Gregory: Gregor  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Stickshift: Gearshift  
> Crying in the Club: Crys  
> Resident Bantha: Wooley  
> Kix: Kix  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Fisting: Kit Fisto


	5. Hot damn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rex/Decommission is a Blessing: Rex  
> Repressed Homosexual: Cody  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> Ponds: Ponds  
> Fox: Fox  
> Thire: Thire  
> Bly: Bly  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano  
> Baby: Tup  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> A Five is Speaking/Horny Bastard: Fives

**Rex:** anyone else wonder what would happen if the rest of the Jedi were a bit more like Skywalker??

**Ponds:** Literally why would you ever think about that

**Repressed Homosexual:** I love the kid really I do

**Repressed Homosexual:** But he is a walking  _ disaster _

**Rex:** no I get that

**Rex:** but what im wondering is what would happen if the Jedi kinda just

**Rex:** tossed it all to the wind and became a bit more malicious

**Fox:** What do you mean?

**Rex:** like

**Rex:** not darkside obviously but I wonder what they could really do if they didn’t have anything holding them back

**Rex:** like anakin

**Rex:** be a bit more impulsive a bit more angry

**Fox:** Well, Quin’s already like that anyways so he doesn’t count

**Bly:** At this point you might as well draw hearts next to his name

**Fox:** I’m going to demote you

**Bly:** General Kenobi caught you and General Vos making out in the supply closet again

**Fox:** _ I WANT THAT TWINK OBLITERATED _

**Fox:** _ SNITCH _

**A Five is Speaking:** no wait actually I wanna know what Rex is talking about

**Rex:** _ thank you _

**Baby:** what brought on this kind of thinking anyways??

**Repressed Homosexual:** oh my force

**Repressed Homosexual:** you were watching Obi-Wan spar with Skywalker again

**Rex:** _ mayhaps _

**Bly:** r e x

**Rex:** _ Kenobi is h o t what exactly do you expect from me _

**Rex:** also shut up Bly we all know you wanna get with your general

**Bly:** I vote that we take away Rex’s rights

**Rex:** _ jokes on you we’re clones we dont have rights _

**Thire:** no wait

**Thire:** go back to Rex thirsting over Kenobi

**Rex:** so him and Skywalker were sparring yeah?

**Repressed Homosexual:** and why exactly does this time make it any more different than all the others?

**Rex:** _ let me t a l k _

**Rex:** but they were sparring and all of the sudden Skywalker uses the force to trip Kenobi up with his robes and sweeps him off his feet so now Obi’s on his back with Skywalker’s saber at his neck

**Wolffe:** kinky

**Baby:** jfkjdbgb

**Rex:** at that Kenobi then replies “so, fighting dirty then?” with his  _ stupid infuriating smirk of his _

**Rex:** you know, the one

**Fox:** yes of course we are all intimately aware of his “I’m going to flirt with the enemy and say/do something so incredibly stupid that it’ll give me the upper hand”

**Rex:** exactly

**Rex:** he then proceeds to kick Skywalker’s saber out of his hand with one leg and then sweep Skywalker off his own feet with the other and using his momentum to roll on top of him with his own saber at right at Skywalker’s neck

**Wolffe:** impressive but I don’t see that warranting this type of thinking process with you???

**Rex:** anyways after a break they spar again which means that by now several other vod have shown up so now there’s an audience

**Rex:** but instead of Obi-wan’s usual Soresu stance, he pulls out another  _ karking _ lightsaber and goes “I don’t think you’ve ever had the pleasure of sparring with me like this- now usually when we spar, I use Soresu, but I think we could kick things up a notch”

**Rex:** and obviously we’re all pretty  _ karking excited _ because this so out of character- and then he  _ winks _ at us and rushes in

**Rex:** now vod when I tell you I fell in love right there

**Rex:** this was so different from his usual Soresu 

**Rex:** he’s usually very stationary and patient, waiting for his opponent to mess up before finishing them off- it’s a controlled saber form

**Rex:** it wasn’t even like Jar’kai like I see him train Ahsoka in or Anakin’s Shien/Djem Sho that he favors

**Rex:** it was like Obi-Wan combined several different forms and rolled them all into one I think there was even some Makashi in it

**Rex:** but he completely  _ overpowered _ Anakin which is ridiculous because Skywalker’s attack strategy  _ is _ to overpower his opponent and Kenobi completely  _ wiped his ass _ on those sparring mats it was incredible

**The Big Sexy:** _ holy shit _

**Cannibal:** YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON MASTER KENOBI

**Rex:**

**Rex:** FUCK WAIT I FORGOT THERE WERE MORE PEOPLE THAN JUST THE VODE

**Rex:** _ K A R K _

**Rex:** i hope a sith kills me to save me from this emberassment

**Repressed Homosexual:** rip Rex

**Rex:** wow gee thanks really feeling the love here guys

**The Big Sexy:** can’t blame you though

**Fox:** you told me Kenobi punched you once and you thanked him

**Cannibal:** _ you t h a n k e d him??? _

**The Big Sexy:** THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO

**Ponds:** a long time ago???

**Ponds:** _ that happened last week _

**The Big Sexy:** this is bullying

**Fox:** you like it though

**Wolffe:** _ THERE ARE CHILDREN IN HERE??? _

**Cannibal:** _ i will never be able to look you in the eye again Fox _

**The Big Sexy:** what about me??

**Cannibal:** Master Obi-Wan’s told me too embarrassing stories about you for this to have any kind of affect on me

**The Big Sexy:** _ HE W AH T _

**Cannibal:** so are we going to ignore Rex’s big ol crush on my grandmaster

**Thire:** you do know that at least a good ⅓ of the vode have a crush on him right

**Cannibal:** ???

**Cannibal:** so like,,,,, a group??

**A Five is Speaking:** oh you sweet summer child

**Cannibal:** _ what the ka r k do you mean _

**Thire:** _ A good ⅓ of the GAR are crushing on Cody’s general _

**Cannibal:** _ THATS THOUSANDS _

**Thire:** y e a h

**Cannibal:** _ oh my Force _

**Cannibal:** _ i can’t believe i have to shame ⅓ of the clones  _

**The Big Sexy:**

**The Big Sexy:** he’s kind of a catch tho

**Cannibal:** _ kindly never speak to me again _

**The Big Sexy:** that’s fair

**[Rex has changed their name to Decommission is a Blessing]**

**Decommission is a Blessing:** my entire life flashed before my eyes

**Ponds:** lmao

**Decommission is a Blessing:** literally fuck you

**Baby:** Oh! Jesse just sent me a holo vid!

**Baby:** it’s the spar you were talking about- it’s really short actually

**A Five is Speaking:** you mean simping about

**Decommission is a Blessing:** I am going to murder everyone here (except for Tup’ika and Ahsoka)

**[Baby has sent a holo vid:** _ “I don’t think you’ve ever had the pleasure of sparring with me like this- now usually when we spar, I use Soresu, but I think we could kick things up a notch” Obi-Wan barely finished speaking before lighting up his sabers- his usual blue one held beside his face in a way similar to Soresu. The second he holds in his hand lights up a soft, golden yellow and held in front of him- noticeably shorter than the blue one. A shoto. Across from him is Anakin, holding his blue saber with a gobsmacked expression on his face.With a wink towards the camera, Kenobi attacks first- to the surprise of everyone. Obi-Wan seems to fly- his force enhanced speed bringing him directly in front of Anakin where the two clash sabers in a mere second, though the weapons meet for only a moment before Obi-Wan jumps up in a flip, twisting midair and striking down on his former padawan with the golden saber as he lands in a crouch. Anakin slashes down only for Obi-Wan to dodge out of the way as he brings the shoto to lazily swipe at Anakin’s legs. With a laugh, Obi-Wan runs at him and jabs with his blue saber as his shoto intercepts Anakin’s own saber, forcing him to twist away to avoid being hit. Obi-Wan handsprings back, kicking him in the chin as he creates distance. With a growl, Anakin runs forward and brings his saber up in a move designed to cut the person on the receiving end from the shoulder to the hip. Obi-Wan doesn’t move, not even to put up his saber to block as he lets Anakin get closer until they’re barely two feet apart. Instead, he grins and shuts off his blue saber as Anakin brings his weapon down. Obi-Wan twists under the saber, and using the hilt of his powered down lightsaber, slams it into Anakin’s throat, using his momentum to force his former padawan into the mats before leveling his shoto above his face- Anakin’s eyes crossing as he stares down the weapon. Gobsmacked, he barely rasps out a “solah, Obi-Wan” before the vode watching them start hollering and cheering in awe and surprise. Jesse’s camera shakes- and barely heard above the noise is Obi-Wan as he helps the knight stand, “you did well, Anakin, you lasted a whole 12 seconds. Don’t feel too bad about it though, Mace and Plo lasted eight and seven minutes respectively last time.” _ **]**

**Cannibal:** _ SITH HELLS _

**Cannibal:** _ CAN HE TEACH ME THAT I WANNA LEARN THAT THATS SO BADASS _

* * *

**[Fox has sent a private message to The Big Sexy]**

**Fox:** would you be mad if I said I wanna tap that

**The Big Sexy:** honestly I’d be more mad if you  _ didn’t _ wanna tap that

* * *

**Wolffe:** holy kark

**Decommission is a Blessing:** NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME

**Decommission is a Blessing:** THAT’S HOT AS F U C K

**A Five is Speaking:** d,,,do you think I could ask him to spar

**Thire:** Fives holy force

**A Five is Speaking:** I would,,,, I would literally be so happy if he just slammed me into the mats right now,, 

**A Five is Speaking:** ,,,I wan t him to step on me

**[Repressed Homosexual has changed A Five is Speaking’s name to Horny Bastard]**

**Horny Bastard:** that’s fair

**Cannibal:** _ i hate everything about this _

**Horny Bastard:** afkjfjbasfjaohno

* * *

**[Rex has sent a private message to Repressed Homosexual]**

**Decommission is a Blessing:** how karking long will it be before they figure it out

**Repressed Homosexual:** Skyalker and Senator Amidala were so obvious that we’re sneaky in comparison

**Repressed Homosexual:** we keep it up like this and I say before the end of the year

* * *

**[Baby has sent a private message to Mom]**

**[Baby has sent a holo vid to Mom]**

**Baby:** uuh,,, so there might be rise in crushes

**Baby:** it’s already made it’s way through most of the GAR

**Mom:**

**Mom:** kark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rex/Decommission is a Blessing: Rex  
> Repressed Homosexual: Cody  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> Ponds: Ponds  
> Fox: Fox  
> Thire: Thire  
> Bly: Bly  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano  
> Baby: Tup  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> A Five is Speaking/Horny Bastard: Fives


	6. Oh Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cody can Get It
> 
> (Link to Picture for baby-wan kenobi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waxed/Sin: Waxer  
> Boiled/Sinner: Boil  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Dad2/Decommission is a Blessing/Brain Dead: Rex  
> Dad1/Repressed Homosexual/This is Fine: Cody  
> The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> Baby: Tup  
> Kix: Kix  
> Helix: Helix(SWModdy’s 212st medic)  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Resident Bantha: Wooley  
> Doggy: Dogma  
> No I don't have echolocation: Echo  
> Crying in the Club: Crys  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Fisting: Kit Fisto  
> The Organ Remix: Bail Organa  
> Buir: Plo Koon  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> The Best: Reeft  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Cyborg: Wolffe  
> Light of your life: Luminara Unduli

**Waxed:** was anyone gonna tell me that Cody could like

 **Waxed:** get it

 **Waxed:** or was I supposed to figure that out myself

 **The OG Kid:** literally what in the Sith Hells 

**Boiled:** Waxer found out Cody could dance

 **Dad2:** dsfhbahjbda

* * *

**[Decommission is a Blessing has sent a private message to Repressed Homosexual]**

**Decommission is a Blessing:** you’re getting dance lessons from Obi aren’t you

 **Repressed Homosexual:** _let me l i v e_

* * *

**Dad2:** that’s ridiculous 

**Dad2:** Cody couldn’t even bop to a beat at Kamino 

**Dad1:** kark off

 **Dad2:** _this bastard couldn’t even do a good running man_

 **Dad1:** kids we’re leaving pack your bags

 **The Improved Kid:** sweet

 **Dad2:** this is the ultimate betrayal 

**The OG Kid:** this family is kriffing nightmare

 **The OG Kid:** except for Tup

 **Baby:** th,,,,thanks???

 **Waxed:** excuse me

 **Waxed:** I was talking bout how Cody could get it and I would like to go back to that topic!

 **Dad1:** everything about you is a sin

 **Boiled:** you’re only saying that now?

**[The Improved Kid has changed Waxed’s name to Sin]**

**[The Improved Kid has changed Boiled’s name to Sinner]**

**Rex’s Fav:** I almost don’t wanna ask

 **The Improved Kid:** the sinner does the sin

 **The OG Kid:** _AHSOKA T A N O_

 **The Improved Kid:** lmao ;P

 **Dad1:** _I hate this kriffing family_

 **Sin:** terrible child

 **Sinner:** evil

 **;)Case:** nice

 **The Improved Kid:** anyways

 **The Improved Kid:** I can’t believe i have to call every other trooper a simp whenever they come by the Negotiator

 **Dad2:** safbfsajbg

 **Dad2:** Im so sorry you had to read all that

 **The Improved Kid:** _you should be sorry_

 **The OG Kid:** get used to it Snips

 **The OG Kid:** it gets worse when we go to the lower levels

 **The Improved Kid:** sdbfkjbafkjbfsajb

 **Resident Bantha:** to be fair

 **Resident Bantha:** General Kenobi is _very_ good looking

 **The OG Kid:** every single one of you are traitors I can’t karking trust anyone

 **Dad1:** just accept that your former master can

 **Dad1:** in Waxer’s words

 **Dad1:** get it

 **The OG Kid:** I despise every single thing that you just typed

 **Doggy:** don’t deny it

 **No I don’t have echolocation:** he’s super karking pretty everyone knows it

 **The OG Kid:** _of course I know it_

 **The OG Kid:** I grew up _with_ him

 **The OG Kid:** do you have _any_ idea how many knights and even a few masters tried chatting him up during our apprenticeship

 **The OG Kid:** _sometimes while I was right next to him_

 **The Improved Kid:** l m a o rip Skyguy

 **The Improved Kid:** can we get an f in the chat for this poor bitch

 **Sin:** f

 **Sinner:** F

 **Rex’s Fav:** f

 **No I don’t have echolocation:** f

 **The OG Kid:** s t o p

 **Crying in the Club:** lmao

 **Sin:** but anyways

 **Sin:** _Codes can get d o w n_

 **[Dad1 has kicked Sin from** **Everyone Else Apparently** **]**

 **Dad1:** he can get his rights back later

 **Sinner:** he had it coming

**[Sinner has changed their name to Boiled]**

**The Improved Kid:** aawww

 **Kix:** WHO GREASED THE FLOORS IN THE REC CENTER

 **Kix:** IT WAS ONE OF YOU FUCKERS YOU BETTER FESS UP

 **Kix:** I MAY BE A HEALER BUT THAT JUST GIVES ME AN ADVANTAGE ON WHERE TO HIT YOUR BODY FOR MAXIMUM P A I N

 **Kix:** bastards

 **Boiled:** waxer

 **Kix:** that son of a gun is d e a d

**[Kix is Idle]**

**The OG Kid:** holy sith

 **Dad2:** anyways like

 **Dad2:** Cody has massive leg game

 **Dad1:** I am going to tear up your kriffing mattress and pour caf on all your paperwork

 **The Improved Kid:** there is no lie tho

 **Dad2:** the reason why??

 **Dad2:** is because he’s an _idiot who KICKS THE KARKING CLANKERS LIKE THEY AREN’T PIECES OF METAL_

 **Dad1:** Ah

 **Dad1:** You found out about our last battle then

 **Dad2:** _YOU’RE A F O O L_

 **Dad2:** CODY YOU FRACTURED YOUR L E G AND DISLOCATED YOUR KNEE

 **Dad1:** Yeah but I’m good now

 **Dad2: @Helix** is Cody allowed to be out

 **Helix:** no he is not

 **Dad2:** THATS WHAT I THOUGHT

 **Dad2:** GET YOUR ASS TO THE MEDIC

 **Dad1:** Who’s going to make me?

 **Dad2:** I’LL TELL OBI 

**Dad1:** Don’t you Dare!!

 **Dad2:** I WILL I SWEAR

 **Rex’s Fav:** are they always like this

 **The Improved Kid:** yeah it’s kinda funny

 **Dad2:** GET YOUR ASS TO THE MEDICS

 **Dad1:** FINE

 **Dad1:** force

 **Helix:** thank you Rex

**[Dad1 is Idle]**

**[Helix is Idle]**

**Dad2:** why do all the people i hang around act like complete idiots

 **;)Case:** well

 **;)Case:** you’d recognize their behavior well wouldn’t you

 **Dad2:** _how d a r e you_

 **;)Case:** l m a o

* * *

**[** **The Obes Kenobed Protection Squad** **]**

 **The Big Sexy:** was anyone going to tell me that Yoda has baby pictures of Obi or was I supposed to find that out myself

 **Shrubbery:** sent to you those pictures were not meant 

**Fisting:** those were meant for me

 **The Big Sexy:** does the rest of council have baby pictures of him??

 **The Organ Remix:** I would very much like to see them

 **Window:** Shaak Ti and Yoda have the most

 **Window:** Plo isn’t far behind

 **Buir:** to be fair, we have known Obi-Wan since he was a baby in the creche

 **Brain Dead:** I definitely agree with Senator Organa

 **Queen:** It’s so weird to imagine Obi-Wan as a baby honestly

 **Queen:** I can’t imagine him as something other than an accomplished jedi

 **Better Than You:** _accomplished????_

 **Better Than You:** Obes was such a little _shit_ when we were younger

 **The Best:** he still kind of is

 **Am I Wrong:** before he looked too cute and innocent to do the kind of shenanigans he did

 **Calamari:** now he looks too dignified

 **The Big Sexy:** it’s crazy

 **The Big Sexy:** he always wins at sabaac no matter what I do

 **The Big Sexy:** yet no one picks up on it!! The guy’s a crazy bastard on his own but put him next to someone else and suddenly he’s the golden boy of the jedi!

 **Bastard Frog:** it’s impressive to say the least

 **The Best:** damn right it is

 **Light of your life:** I once had to drag him away from a giant carnivorous plant because he got too close 

**Better Than You:** hey Luminara!!

 **Cyborg:** what was he doing so close to it???

 **Light of your life:** he’s such a nerd he wanted to study it

 **Light of your life:** hey Garen!!

 **The Big Sexy:** lmao

 **The Big Sexy:** Obi’s the only one allowed to call her ‘Nara or Lumi

 **The Big Sexy:** the rest of us are stuck with calling her by her full name

 **Light of your life:** and??

 **Light of your life:** suck it Vos you’re just as bad no one else calls you Quin

 **The Big Sexy:** at this point I’m starting to wonder if I just don’t have a first name considering all you hoes use my last one so often

 **Brain Dead:**. . .

 **Brain Dead:** you realize you called everyone here a hoe right general?

 **Brain Dead:** all the councilors,,,

 **The Big Sexy:** _and I’ll do it again_

 **Shrubbery:** stays here, what happens in chat

 **Cyborg:** no snitching allowed

 **Window:** If I even had hair, all of you would be the reason it would go gray

 **Fisting:** we’re _karking delights Mace_

 **The Best:** Obi alone would cause 87% of your to gray 

**Window:** The last non-war mission we had together and I had to drag the boy out of ditch because he tossed me aside when a bomb went off

 **Window:** Wherever he goes trouble just seems to follow

 **Fisting:** it makes for some interesting nights out though

 **This is Fine:** General Fisto please don’t make me bring up the last time you went bar hopping

 **Fisting:** how would you know??

 **Fisting:** only Ob

 **Fisting:** THAT SNITCH

 **Am I Wrong:** lmao

 **Am I Wrong:** good luck getting back at him

 **Am I Wrong:** Obes has no shame its so kriffing hard to embarrass him

 **The Best:** its impressive as well as infuriating

 **The Best:** you try to corner him about it but all he does is confess and then talk about all the times _you_ karked up in comparison 

**Buir:** ah yes

 **Buir:** I learned some _very_ interesting things about Mace and Kit that day

 **Window:** I still don’t know how he knew about that

 **Bastard Frog:** he is terrifyingly competent 

**You Know:** I FOUND IT

[**[You Know has sent a holo pic:** _It’s of a youngling, no older than a toddler perhaps and dressed in what are clearly Jedi robes. Soft copper hair fluffs up in different directions as the child stares at the camera with a smile, holding onto a stuffed cat plushy with one hand as the other reaches out towards the person taking the picture._ **_]_ **](https://alliseonline.tumblr.com/post/622323060252491776/you-know-has-sent-a-holo-pic-its-of-a)

**Better Than You:** how did you get this???

 **You Know:** Obi-Wan and Master Jinn spent a year protecting me on Mandalore and while we were on the run Jinn showed this to me 

**Brain Dead:** holy sith he was so cute!

 **Queen:** aaaawwww!!

 **Queen:** I kind of want to frame it

 **The Big Sexy:** oh fuck a sith

 **The Big Sexy:** I remember that stupid stuffed cat

 **Calamari:** he named it Nubby!

 **Fisting:** Quinlan used to hate Nubby because one time Obi-Wan got so upset with him that everytime Quinlan walked in the room he’d talk to Nubby instead of him

 **Brain Dead:** oh my force

 **The Big Sexy:** WE WERE FIVE AND SIX

 **Calamari:** it lasted a week

 **Light of your life:** Quinlan cried and Kit had to explain to the creche master that ‘no he wasn’t dying he was just sad because Obi’s giving him the silent treatment’ 

**This is Fine:** _oh my force_

 **The Big Sexy:** THIS IS BULLYING AND ALL OF YOU ARE TRAITORS

 **Light of you life:** damn y’all hear something

 **Fisting:** I thought we were talking to Nubby

 **The Big Sexy:** _AAAAAAHHHHHHHH_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waxed/Sin: Waxer  
> Boiled/Sinner: Boil  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Dad2/Decommission is a Blessing/Brain Dead: Rex  
> Dad1/Repressed Homosexual/This is Fine: Cody  
> The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> Baby: Tup  
> Kix: Kix  
> Helix: Helix(SWModdy’s 212st medic)  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Resident Bantha: Wooley  
> Doggy: Dogma  
> No I don't have echolocation: Echo  
> Crying in the Club: Crys  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Fisting: Kit Fisto  
> The Organ Remix: Bail Organa  
> Buir: Plo Koon  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> The Best: Reeft  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Cyborg: Wolffe  
> Light of your life: Luminara Unduli


	7. Ahsoka joins the Chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fox: Fox  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Cannibal/Talk Shit Get Hit: Ahsoka Tano  
> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Baby: Tup  
> Echo: Echo  
> Decommission is a Blessing: Rex  
> Repressed Homosexual: Cody  
> Ponds: Ponds  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> Bly: Bly  
> Thire: Thire  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Buir: Plo Koon  
> Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn: Nield

**[Fox has sent a private message to The Big Sexy]**

**Fox:** Hey so. . .

**Fox:** what did you do to piss Kenobi off so bad??

**The Big Sexy:** wh a t

**Fox:** He came into my office last night with a half empty bottle of Corellian Brandy and told me to ‘get a handle on your slut of a boyfriend commander or else I’m telling everyone about the time I caught you two with your pants down in the supply closet and by everyone I mean the  _ vode _ ’

**Fox:** so yeah

**Fox:** what the k a r k happened

**The Big Sexy:** oh my force

**The Big Sexy:** so uh

**Fox:** oh my lord youre stuttering over comm how bad did you kriff up and do I need to cover up a crime

**The Big Sexy:** HEY

**The Big Sexy:** IT WASN’T THAT BAD

**The Big Sexy:** ALL I DID WAS CALL HIM DADDY-WAN KENOBI AND THEN RAMBLE ABOUT THE BANGING SEX YOU AND I HAVE

**Fox:** QUINLAN VOS YOU ARE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH

**The Big Sexy:** YOU SLEEP IN MY ROOM

**Fox:** THE  _ C O U C H _

**The Big Sexy:** BUT AM I WRONG??

**Fox:** _ T H E  _

**Fox:** _ C O U C H _

* * *

**[** **Chat of Sin and Regret** **]**

**[Cannibal has sent a holo vid:** _ The video starts with the camera pointed at a wall and part of a table. It’s clear from the stillness of the camera that the view won’t be changing any time soon. What filters through the video though, is the voice of Obi-Wan. . . singing. His voice is smooth and elegant as he sings along to whatever song is playing. The video lasts a few more seconds before ending. _ **]**

**Cannibal:** f o r c e

**A Five is Speaking: @everyone** I am  _ swooning _

**Baby:** He’s really good!!

**The Big Sexy:** he hasn’t sung in  _ years _

**The Big Sexy:** . . . I miss this

**Cannibal:** if i asked do you think he’d sing again?

**The Big Sexy:** possibly?? I have no idea

**Echo:** _ how come skywalker screeches like a forcedamned nexus when he sings but kenobi has the pipes of a g o d _

**Cannibal:** big mood

**Cannibal:** Skyguy’s  _ really _ bad at singing

**Decommission is a Blessing:** people ask me how I manage to control the 501st

**Decommission is a Blessing:** the secret is, I don’t!

**Decommission is a Blessing:** general skywalker just called me down to the mess and when i showed up a group of shinies start shooting me with a toy blaster and Boomer shot me in the throat

**Cannibal:** sakjsdgbds

**Cannibal:** so  _ thats _ what he was doing

**Decommission is a Blessing:** there is no control here

**Decommission is a Blessing:** most of the time its general kenobi but even thats debatable

**Repressed Homosexual:** i’m the control

**Decommission is a Blessing:** _ the kark you are _

**Ponds:** you’re all disasters

**Wolffe:** like you can say anything

**Fox:** didn’t you almost start crying when General Koon patted you on the back and tell you you did a good job

**Wolffe:** _ listen I love you but shut the kriff up _

**Fox:** ew affection

**Bly:** you can’t say shit Fox

**Fox:** _ alright Mr. Secura  _

**Bly:** h e y n o w

**Wolffe:** wait no wait

**Wolffe:** _ why does she wear a crop top and leather pants _

**Fox: @The Big Sexy** yes please explain to us  _ why _ your former padawan apparently holds a grudge against proper clothing 

**The Big Sexy:** _ its not my damn fault that Kit Fisto is a s l u t _

**The Big Sexy:** _ that man is practically allergic to his robes i swear _

**Bly:** she’s going to get herself  _ h u r t _

**Cannibal:** lmao you guys wanna hear my favorite part of Skyguy trying to hide his marriage with Master Obi-Wan

**Echo:** oh absolutely

**A Five is Speaking:** yes

**Cannibal:** so im staying over at obi-wans right, because skyguy dropped me off while he goes to “talk about the war effort with Padme- I mean senator Amidala what are you talking about no shes not my wife” 

**Cannibal:** so hes gone  _ all _ night and comes back the next morning so obviously obi-wan and i wanna give him grief about it so we act like something happened and pretend to be all stern or whatever

**Cannibal:** as soon as he comes into the room, obi-wan swivels around in his chair and crosses his arms and goes “we couldn’t reach you last night, we know what you were up to Anakin”

**Cannibal:** and i could see his ‘oh-shit’ face and immediately this idiot goes

**Cannibal:** _ “who’s Anakin” _

**Decommission is a Blessing:** _ oh my f o r c e _

**Repressed Homosexual:** _ why is he so dumb _

**Echo:** force above general skywalker

**Cannibal:** needless to say I break a rib laughing my ass off while obi-wan facepalms 

**Thire:** I think my favorite moment with General Yoda was when Kenobi visited the 41st barracks 

**Thire:** General Yoda and him were bickering over something that to this day I still don’t know what

**Thire:** and General Yoda finally rolled his eyes and went “from my perspective, you should see”

**Thire:** and without hesitation General Kenobi immediately crouched down to Yoda’s height and started talking again

**The Big Sexy:** askjdfjbhfasbkjsdforce

**A Five is Speaking:** has,, has there  _ ever _ been a more perfect man

**Ponds:** underneath all those robes and Jedi mannerisms

**Ponds:** Kenobi is just a little shit

**Ponds:** but  _ force above _ what was the Senate thinking when they assigned the Jedi as war generals

**Ponds:** I just presented information about battle strategies that we’ve used before and at  _ least _ a third of the council was lost on what I said

**Cannibal:** not  _ everyone _ is so bad

**Cannibal:** Master Obi-Wan is actually  _ really _ good at doing this stuff

**Cannibal:** which,, is a little weird

**The Big Sexy:** that baby does  _ not _ count, he’s something we call  _ traumatized _

**Cannibal:** asfkjd _ what _

**The Big Sexy:** ah  _ kark _

**The Big Sexy:** ask your grandmaster kid I didn’t mean to say that

**Cannibal:** ugh i cant even ask skyguy!!

**Cannibal:** how do i even  _ start _ that conversation anyways

**Thire:** i dont know

**Thire:** corner him??

**Cannibal:** if that doesnt work im asking someone else

**Cannibal:** didnt work he karking dipped

**Cannibal:** oh I see Master Windu!

**Ponds:** he knows you could ask him

**Cannibal:** cool

**Ponds:** You’ll probably be added to the chat later, I’ll send you a list of who’s there

* * *

**[Window has added Ahsoka Tano to** **The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad** **]**

**[Ahsoka Tano has changed their name to Talk Shit Get Hit]**

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** so was anyone gonna tell me that my grandmaster is just a bunch of traumatising experiences rolled into a small ball of stress and abandonment issues or was I supposed to piece all that together from snippets about his past myself

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ you sent a Master and Padawan for a retrieval mission for Master Tahl and didn’t think something was  _ _ wrong _ _ when the Padawan didn’t return??? _

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ a kriffing Padawan that was 13??? _

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** no wonder Master Obi-Wan’s so tense thats  _ two _ wars hes had to fight already!

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** why in the  _ Universe  _ did you think that it was okay to make him a General  _ again _ ???

**Buir:** I understand, Young one

**Buir:** And we shouldn’t have, that was our mistake

**Buir:** But we had no idea what we were doing, we were supposed to be peacekeepers and negotiators, not soldiers and generals for war

**Buir:** Young Kenobi offered his services, his experiences and his studies- somehow he knew that this day would come

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ he knew? _

**Window:** He had datapads and chips ready to be sent to us- specialized for each of the council members. Offered us advice and helped us refine battle strategies and kept us vigilant of things that didn’t seem important to the war but in the long run would aid us in the future. 

**The Big Sexy: @Calamari** and I figured that it was a vision he had that made him so studious 

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** I just

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** I don’t understand why none of you went back to get him

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** Even if he  _ chose  _ to leave he was still 13

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** He was left there for nearly a  _ year! _

**Window:** I don’t understand it either.

**Buir:** Looking back on it, the reason we abstained from aiding Kenobi and The Young made no sense, we had simply accepted Master Jinn’s report and didn’t look into it

**Buir:** I can only assume it was the will of the Force that stayed our hand because I simply cannot fathom why it had gotten so bad and why we did not help

**Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn:** you know that sounds like a whole lot of Osik

**Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn:** I know what youre saying may be true but it sounds like a cop out from taking on the responsibility of your actions

**Buir:** Yes I am aware

**Buir:** But that is the only explanation I have. . . there is simply no other reason why we could ever ignore something like that

**Buir:** Obi-Wan is a dear friend friend of mine, and if it were not for the Force dissuading me, then I would have taken him on as my Padawan when he was younger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fox: Fox  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Cannibal/Talk Shit Get Hit: Ahsoka Tano  
> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Baby: Tup  
> Echo: Echo  
> Decommission is a Blessing: Rex  
> Repressed Homosexual: Cody  
> Ponds: Ponds  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> Bly: Bly  
> Thire: Thire  
> Window: Mace Windu  
> Buir: Plo Koon  
> Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn: Nield


	8. YOU'RE DODGING THE QUESTION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Improved Kid/Talk Shit Get Hit: Ahsoka Tano  
> Dad2/Brain Dead: Rex  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Doggy: Dogma  
> Rex’s Fav: Fives  
> Dad1/This is Fine: Cody  
> Waxed: Waxer  
> Baby: Tup  
> Boiled: Boil  
> Crying in the Club: Crys  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> The Best: Reeft  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Cyborg: Wolffe

**The Improved Kid:** y’all I am  _ so  _ g a y

**Dad2:** mood 

**Mom:** Is this about Satine?

**The Improved Kid:** oh yes absolutely

**The Improved Kid:** _ wAiT tHAts mAsTEr ObI-wAN _

**The OG Kid:** lmao rip Snips

**The Improved Kid:** SKYGUY BROKE ONE OF UR TEACUPS AGAIN

**The OG Kid:** _ S N I P S _

**Mom:** Anakin. . .

**The OG Kid:** oh force

**;)Case:** n i c e

**The Improved Kid:** thank you I have excellent taste

**Rex’s Fav:** what brought this on???

**The Improved Kid:** she existed

**The Improved Kid:** no I caught her giving some poor senator a dressing down and it was  _ hot _

**Mom:** Did she use "hither and yon" again?

**The Improved Kid:** . . . she did

**The Improved Kid:** how tf did you know??

**Mom:** She likes how it sounds.

**Mom:** She also likes how  _ she  _ sounds when she says it, it’s always fun getting into debates with her :D

**The Improved Kid:** thats  _ hot _

**The Improved Kid:** thats hot as  _ kark _

**Mom:** She is an excellent role model. . . but please don’t start drinking before you’re of legal age.

**Doggy:** _ The Duchess was an underage drinker?? _

**Mom:** We had to have  _ some  _ fun while on the run. 

**Mom:** We got so drunk. . . being hungover while fighting off Death Watch was not fun.

**The Improved Kid:** . . . wait

**The Improved Kid:** that means  _ youre  _ and underage drinker

**Rex’s Fav:** oh my force

**The Improved Kid:** _ you got d r u n k as a teenager!! _

**Mom:** In my defense,

**Mom:** I had to deal with both Master Qui-Gon, a teenage Satine, people who wanted nothing more than to gut us and mount our heads on a wall, and Master Qui-Gon.

**The Improved Kid:** you said master jinn twice??

**Mom:** I loved him, truly I did, but that man was a disaster when we were on the run.

**Mom:** You can’t just take a run away, highly prolific, upcoming leader of a planet full of Mandos and bounty hunters into a cantina to win some credits.

**Mom:** Drinking during that year on Mandalore was basically a defense weapon.

**The Improved Kid:** oh my f o r c e

**The Improved Kid:** how long did you last before you turned to alcohol when you took Skyguy as your Padawan

**The OG Kid:** W o w

**The OG Kid:** really feeling the love here Snips!!

**Mom:** I only started drinking when Anakin came of legal age

**Dad2:** did you end up with the medics that night?

**Mom:** You all underestimate my self control too much.

**Mom:** If I had any less control I would be drunk for most of our missions.

**The OG Kid:** before the war or during it??

**Mom:** Yes.

**The Improved Kid:** sajsdgjdgkjb

**Mom:** There is a reason I can hold my alcohol so well.

**The Improved Kid:** can duchess Satine hold her alcohol??

**Mom:** Well, not as well as I can, but yes.

**Mom:** I once watched her drink a third of a Cantina under the table.

**Dad1:** That’s crazy what the Sith

**Dad1:** she’s a leader of a planet??

**Mom:** Oh, not at the time she did it.

**The Improved Kid:** oh my F or ce

**The Improved Kid:** thats  _ hot _

**The OG Kid:** Snips [B]lease

**The Improved Kid:** AM I WRONG??

**The Improved Kid:** TELL ME YOU WOULDN’T IMMEDIATELY GROW HEART EYES FOR PADME IF YOU KNEW SHE COULD DO THAT

**The Improved Kid:** oh my force im imagining it 

**The Improved Kid:** Skyguy how in Coruscant did you manage to marry  _ her _

**The OG Kid:** . . . i kNOW

**The OG Kid:** and I

**The OG Kid:** oh no

**The Improved Kid:** _ S K Y G U Y YOU DIDNT _

**Dad2:** ???

**The Improved Kid: @Mom** SKYGUY DROPPED ANOTHER KARKING TEA CUP AND GOT TEA E V E R Y W H E R E

**The OG Kid:** S N I P S PLEASE

**Mom:** . . .

**Mom:** Please tell me it wasn’t from my favorite set.

**The OG Kid:**

**The OG Kid:** it,,, might have been???

**Mom:** Anakin :(

**The OG Kid:** _ FUCK WAIT NO KARK NO DONT DO THE SAD FACE  _

**The OG Kid:** _ KARK _

**Rex’s Fav:** wtf even is this family anymore

**Waxed:** chaos

**Baby:** was it the white one with the little pink and yellow flowers on it??

**Baby:** those were cute! (:O

**Mom:** At least it was only the one.

**The OG Kid:** sorry Obi-Wan

**Mom:** It’s fine Anakin, please try and be more careful with them though. They’re old.

**The Improved Kid:** were they a gift??

**Mom:** Yes, Quinlan gave them to me when we were still Padawans. 

**Rex’s Fav:** r e a l l y??

**Rex’s Fav:** from general Vos??

**Mom:** Yes?

**Boiled:** huh

**Boiled:** didnt expect that from him

**Mom:** Yes, well, we  _ were  _ dating at the time. It was a sweet gift.

**The OG Kid:** _ YOU DATED QUINLAN KRIFFING V O S _

**Crying in the Club:** holy shit

**Dad1:** I thought this was common information??

**The Improved Kid:** WHY DO YOU KNOW

**The OG Kid:** I DIDNT KNOW??? WH A T

**The Improved Kid:** UUUHHH ANSWERS?? PLEASE ANSWERS WOULD BE NICE???

**Mom:** I mean, it only lasted a few years before we cut it off? We were better off as friends. It’s not like we were hiding this information though.

**The OG Kid:** _ my entire world view has been shifted _

**Mom:** Anakin please.

**The OG Kid:** oh force did you two have  _ s e x??? _

**Mom:** ANAKIN

**The OG Kid:** YOU TOTALLY DID 

**Mom:** Force help me with this child.

**Crying in the Club:** this chat is a  _ disaster _

* * *

**[** **The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad** **]**

**Brain Dead: @The Big Sexy** they finally found out you and Obi were a thing

**The Big Sexy:** aw fuck

**The Big Sexy:** skywalkers gonna be a pain in the a s s

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ YOU TWO WERE F U C K I N G??? _

**The Big Sexy:** _ ah shit here we go again _

**The Big Sexy:** wait thats Tano

**The Big Sexy:** why is this always the reaction to finding out Obi and I happened

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ but asjfjb youre you??? _

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ master obi-wan is master obi-wan?? _

**Better Than You:** WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK OBI IS A PARAGON OF VIRTUE

**Better Than You:** HE WAS SUCH A LITTLE  _ SHIT _

**The Best:** he’s playing everyone like a damn kazoo

**The Best:** i dont know if i hate it or admire him for it

**Am I Wrong:** I think he learned it from Master Yoda

**Shrubbery:** from me, he did not learn

**Calamari:** He likes to play mind tricks

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** also apparently he drank a lot as a teenager??

**You Know:** Oh Force

**You Know:** He was a terror

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** aslndsgkjbd

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ i forgot duchess satine was in the chat _

**This is Fine:** rip ahsoka

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** did you really drink a third of a cantina under the table??

**You Know:** _ he told you about that?! _

**You Know:** No I mean

**You Know:** Obviously not I definitely didn’t drink as a teen

**Queen:** oh my force

**You Know:** _ Obi-Wan drank an Entire Cantina under the table once in a bet to get information! _

**The Big Sexy:** lmao snitch

 **The Big Sexy:** wait weren’t you all on the run??? Y’all had nothing?

**The Big Sexy:** what did he bet

**You Know:**

**Calamari:** no

**Calamari:** no he did n o t

**Cyborg:** I’m missing something here

**The Big Sexy:** HE BET HIMSELF DIDNT HE THAT IDIOT

**You Know:** . . .

**You Know:** it was hot??? and it worked??

**The Big Sexy:** oh no doubt no doubt

**The Big Sexy:** BUT HES A  _ KARKING IDIOT _

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** if this turns into a thirst chat for my grandmaster then I am  _ out _

**Queen:** oh my force

**Queen:** i am so sorry ahsoka

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ everyone’s an enemy _

**Better Than You:** an enemy??

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ the strong must protect the sweet _

**The Big Sexy:** oh my force

**The Big Sexy:** ITS NOT LIKE HES A VIRGIN

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ DID YOU TAKE HIS VIRGINITY _

**This Big Sexy:** this is how i die

**This Big Sexy:** not in a cool ass battle going out how i was born

**Better Than You:** disgusting??

**Am I Wrong:** terrible

**The Best:** ugly

**Calamari:** horny

**The Big Sexy:** so y’all were just gonna come for me like that huh

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ YOURE DODGING THE QUESTION _

**The Big Sexy:** I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ MASTER VOS YOU W H O R E _

**The Big Sexy:** dfjbadkjbajba

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Improved Kid/Talk Shit Get Hit: Ahsoka Tano  
> Dad2/Brain Dead: Rex  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Doggy: Dogma  
> Rex’s Fav: Fives  
> Dad1/This is Fine: Cody  
> Waxed: Waxer  
> Baby: Tup  
> Boiled: Boil  
> Crying in the Club: Crys  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Better Than You: Garen Muln  
> The Best: Reeft  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Cyborg: Wolffe
> 
> -  
> Fav trope rn is bullying Quinlan at the end of every [The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad] part


	9. The Big Titty Committee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fox's fat tits
> 
> I have no regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Fox: Fox  
> Repressed Homosexual/Baby Kote: Cody  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Decommission is a Blessing/ MotherFucker: Rex  
> Baby: Tup  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano  
> Ponds: Ponds  
> Echo/Supreme Emperor: Echo  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> Bly: Bly  
> Thire: Thire

**A Five is Speaking: @Fox** damn Commander

**A Five is Speaking:** ur fuckin,,, honkers

**Fox:** if you don’t shut your whore mouth this instant I will separate your lower jaw from your skull

**A Five is Speaking:** AM I WRONG??

**Repressed Homosexual:** literally what in sith hells is going on

**A Five is Speaking:** Commander Fox’s got some serious badonkadonks

**A Five is Speaking:** some real knockers

**Repressed Homosexual:** _ I regret asking!  _

**The Big Sexy:** hmmmm damn right

**Repressed Homosexual:** _ disgusting you bunch of sluts  _

**The Big Sexy:** h e y now

**Repressed Homosexual:** Obi-Wan gave me permission to call you a slut

**The Big Sexy:** _ bastard man  _

**A Five is Speaking:** _ wait no lets go back to Fox’s tiddies  _

**Fox:** I’m going to have you arrested 

**A Five is Speaking:** IM NOT EVEN ON PLANET 

**Fox:** im gonna @ Kenobi if you dont cease this talking

**A Five is Speaking:** HES NOT EVEN MY GENERAL

**Baby:** wha

**Baby:** _ I need brain bleach  _

**[Decommission is a Blessing has changed their name to MotherFucker]**

**MotherFucker:** THERES A CHILD IN THIS CHAT

**MotherFucker: @A Five is Speaking @The Big Sexy** BEGONE THOTS

**Bly:** everything that happens here is a curse

**Wolffe:** what the  _ kark  _ is happening

**A Five is Speaking:** Fox’s got some fat tits

**Wolffe:** _ Forget I Asked  _

**Cannibal:** _ AAAAAAAAHHHH _

**MotherFucker:** C H I L D R E N

**MotherFucker:** CHILDREN IN THE C H A T

**A Five is Speaking:** I WILL NOT BE SILENCED

**Fox:** LITERALLY SHUT THE KRIFF UP

**A Five is Speaking:** TELL ME HOW YOUR FUNCKING HONKERS GOT LIKE THAT

**A Five is Speaking:** WELCOME TO SPACE HOOTERS MOTHERS AND FUCKERS

**Fox:** YOURE A FORCE DAMNED HEATHEN

**A Five is Speaking:** TELL ME YOUR SECRETS

**Fox:** BITCH

**Repressed Homosexual:** Your all giving me a kriffing stroke

**A Five is Speaking:** WAIT ALSO

**A Five is Speaking:** CODY IS FUCKING 

**A Five is Speaking:** AKJGAFB KARKING MUSCLES???

**A Five is Speaking:** ???? LIKE

**A Five is Speaking:** SAMW WITH REX??

**Cannibal:** oh my force

**A Five is Speaking:** _ BREAK ME  _

**Cannibal:** I NEED A KARKING ADULT!!

**Cannibal:** WHOS IN CHARGE OF HIM

**A Five is Speaking:** WHY DO ALL THE CLONE COMMANDERS HAVE LIKE

**A Five is Speaking:** M A S S I V E TITS

**Baby:** im crying why is he like this??

**MotherFucker:** jus

**MotherFucker:** just look away,, Tup’ika

**Baby:** _ im scarred for Life buir _

**Baby:** ajsafjbafbuirsorry

**MotherFucker:**

**MotherFucker:** ohforce :’)

**A Five is Speaking:**

**MotherFucker:** _ DONT YOU FUCKING DARE FIVES _

**A Five is Speaking:** I WASNT GONNA SAY ANYTHING

**Ponds:** w

**Ponds:** w ha t the  _ kark  _

**A Five is Speaking:** _ why are all clone commanders built like fucking tanks?? _

**Echo:** Fives why are you so damn horny

**A Five is Speaking:** JADJBASFLKN

**A Five is Speaking:** Im stuck in the medbay :(

**Echo:** then perish

**A Fives is Speaking:** THEN DO IT YOURSELF

**Echo:** maybe I  _ will  _

**A Five is Speaking:** YOU CANT SILENCE THE TRUTH!

**Echo:** I CAN DEFINITELY SHUT  _ YOU  _ UP THO

**A Five is Speaking:** NEVERRRJDB F

**[A Five is Speaking is Idle]**

**Echo:** I have brought peace freedom justice and security to my new empire

**MotherFucker:** yOuR nEW EmPIrE??

**Echo:** I CAN ALWAYS BRING HIM BACK

**MotherFucker:** of course emperor echo

**[Echo has changed their name to Supreme Emperor]**

**Repressed Homosexual:** aw kark you did now rex

**Cannibal:** i for one think this is an improvement

**Fox:** fuck the chancellor

**Cannibal:** F Skyguy but yeah

**Cannibal:** kark Palpatine

**The Big Sexy:** akjfbkah

**The Big Sexy:** fuck palps

**Ponds:** yeah fair

**Supreme Emperor:** you think i could run for his seat??

**Repressed Homosexual:** do it

**Supreme Emperor:** hell yeah!

**Supreme Emperor:** i know fuck all about politics

**Ponds:** the republic would burn within the week

**Thire:** try a day

**Repressed Homosexual:** within the minute

**Supreme Emperor:** skjasfkarking how  _ dare  _

**Supreme Emperor:** fair tho

* * *

**A Five is Speaking:** Fox has nice tits

**[Repressed Homosexual has kicked A Five is Speaking from** **Chat of Sin and Regret** **]**

**Repressed Homosexual:** ah

**Repressed Homosexual:** finally

**Repressed Homosexual:** peace

**MotherFucker:** we’ll add him back later

**Ponds:** no

**MotherFucker:** sdjlabfajb

**Fox:** slut

**MotherFucker:** _ you’re dating the biggest slut in the whole Order _

**The Big Sexy:** b i t ch

**The Big Sexy:** I karking hate obi-wan

**Fox:** no you dont

**The Big Sexy:** i wish i could >:/

**The Big Sexy:** fives was right tho u do have some rocking tits

**Fox:** _ Quinlan Vos you are sleeping on the couch _

**The Big Sexy:** YOU SLEEP IN MY APARTMENT

**Fox:** did I stutter?

**The Big Sexy:** skfjfajbf

**Repressed Homosexual:** aaww baby’s first couple argument 

**Fox:** Cody i am older than you

**Repressed Homosexual:** no u fucking aint

**Fox:** BITCH YES THE KARK I AM

**Repressed Homosexual:** NO YOU AIN IM THE OLDEST

**Wolffe:** Kote you’re the baby out of the batch

**Repressed Homosexual:** no im the oldest

**Wolffe:** No you are  _ not _

**Repressed Homosexual:** Who’s gonna prove me wrong then??

**Repressed Homosexual:** check and mate!!

**Ponds:** I’m comming Alpha-17

**Repressed Homosexual:** dont you  _ karking d a r e _

**Ponds:** Gree’s the oldest

**Ponds:** That sounds like bullshit I’m appointing myself as the oldest of this batch

**Wolffe:** IM THE OLDEST

**Ponds:** LIKE HELL YOU ARE BASTARD

**Ponds:** YOURE A FERAL PIECE OF SHIT DONT THINK I DONT REMEMBER YOU BITING A CHUNK OUT OF YOUR TRAINERS ARM WHEN WE WERE 5

**Wolffe:** I see no problem with that

**Ponds:** WOLFFE

**Thire:** not again

**Cannibal:** COMMANDER WOLFFE BIT SOMEONE??

**Repressed Homosexual:** yup just tore a chunk out of his trainer’s arm when we were cadets

**Wolffe:** he was being karking rude to Kote I was justified

**Wolffe:** baby of the batch

**Repressed Homosexual:** NO IM NOT

**Wolffe:** sounds like something a baby would say

**Repressed Homosexual:** BITCH

**Cannibal:** i think ive entered another dimension

**MotherFucker:** you and me both commander

**Bly:** Kote is the baby of the batch there’s literally no other candidate

**Bly:** and no I’m the oldest Ponds

**Ponds:** Like hell you are

**Bly:** Ponds

**Ponds:**

**Bly:**

**Ponds:** hmmm

**Bly:** that’s what I thought

**Bly:** Kote is baby

**Repressed Homosexual:** kark you

**[Bly has changed Repressed Homosexual’s name to Baby Kote]**

**Baby Kote:** BLY YOU SON OF A BITCH

**Bly:** accurate

**Thire:** Jango was kind of a bastard

**Wolffe:** youre telling me

**Ponds:** technically are we even his sons??

**Baby Kote:** fucking Boba’s his son so why arent we

**Wolffe:** aw shit does that make our last names Fett

**Baby Kote:** hell No

**Wolffe:** you just want to take your general’s last name

**Baby Kote:** No and also Kote Kenobi sounds stupid as _fuck_ Wolffe

**Cannibal:** wait isnt uh

**Cannibal:** isnt Kote glory in Mando’a

**Ponds:** yup

**Cannibal:** _ did you seriously name yourself Glory??  _

**Baby Kote:** technically Jango named me Kote

**Cannibal:** damn

**Ponds:** He’s always been scarily competent

**Baby Kote:** damn right

**Bly:** still baby

**Baby Kote:** _ literally kark you  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Fox: Fox  
> Repressed Homosexual/Baby Kote: Cody  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Decommission is a Blessing/ MotherFucker: Rex  
> Baby: Tup  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano  
> Ponds: Ponds  
> Echo/Supreme Emperor: Echo  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> Bly: Bly  
> Thire: Thire
> 
> \--  
> Check out 'thatfunkyopossum' on Tumblr!


	10. Dat Ass Tho

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bly's ass is something to behold
> 
> please go check out @thatfunkyopossum on Tumblr I am begging you their art is akasjhf amazing dear lord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Echo: Echo  
> Bly/Dumptruck Ass: Bly  
> MotherFucker: Rex  
> Fox/Fat Tits: Fox  
> Baby Kote: Cody  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Monnk: Monnk  
> Baby: Tup  
> Eat Your Gree(ns): Gree

**A Five is Speaking:** IM BACK BITCHES

**Echo:** oh oh no

**A Five is Speaking:** HELL YEAH

**A Five is Speaking:** can we talk about Bly’s dumptruck ass tho??

**Bly:** FIVES I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY

**A Five is Speaking:** I WATCHED YOU PRANCE AROUND IN YOUR BLACKS THE OTHER DAY

**A Five is Speaking:** AND YOU EXPECT ME TO  _ NOT  _ TALK ABOUT YOUR BUTT???

**A Five is Speaking:** I WOULD ACTUALLY WORSHIP YOUR ASS

**Bly:** SDJGSGBGSJNASFJBNO

**MotherFucker:** oh force

**MotherFucker:** i kinda regret brining you in here

**Fox:** YOU THINK???

**[A Five is Speaking changed Fox’s name to Fat Tits]**

**[A Five is Speaking changed Bly’s name to Dumptruck Ass]**

**Dumptruck Ass:** FIVES I AM GOING TO HAVE YOU DECOMMISSIONED

**A Five is Speaking:** YOU COULDNT

**A Five is Speaking:** ANYWAYS YOU HAVE,, AN AMAZING ASS

**A Five is Speaking:** mmmm

**A Five is Speaking:** thicccc

**Dumptruck Ass:** im starting a gofundme to put down Fives is anyone willing to put in some credits

**Baby Kote:** 1000 credits

**Dumptruck Ass:** nice

**A Five is Speaking:** sjsdgkjbasfj how fucking d a r e you

**A Five is Speaking:** what would General Kenobi say about that!!

**Baby Kote:** he gave me the credits

**A Five is Speaking:** TRAITOR

**Baby Kote: @MotherFucker** please come collect your idiot

**MotherFucker:** hell no you can have him

**Fat Tits:** I’m going to have you arrested once you get to the hangars

**A Five is Speaking:** lmao yeah right

* * *

**MotherFucker:** _ YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING DID IT _

**Wolffe:** General Koon looks,,, so so confused

**Wolffe:** but its what the bastard deserves

**Dumptruck Ass:** rest in peace you little shit

**The Big Sexy:** I

**The Big Sexy:** you know what

**The Big Sexy:** I’ll just let this go on

**Fat Tits:** damn right you will

**The Big Sexy:** adjasfjs

**Echo:** rip

**Cannibal:** oh my force

**Cannibal:** hey wait you changed your name back Echo :(

**Echo:** if the chancellor finds out about my name i will literally die

**Cannibal:** rip then

**A Five is Speaking:** LITERALLY FUCK ALL OF YOU

**A Five is Speaking:** YOURE ALL BASTARDS

**[A Five is Speaking has added CT-6116 to** **Chat of Sin and Regret** **]**

**[CT-6116 has changed their name to ;)Case]**

**Monnk:** oh no

**;)Case:** I say this with as much love and respect as I can muster

**;)Case:** but what the actual fuck is happening

**A Five is Speaking:** BLY HAS A FAT ASS HES THICC AS FUCK TAKE IT AWAY FROM HERE HARDCASE IM BEING ARRESTEDAASHSHHHHH

**;)Case:** oh my force he wasnt kidding

**;)Case:** then I must carry on

**MotherFucker:** Hardcase I swear on the Force

**;)Case:** sorry commander but i must carry on my civic duties

**Dumptruck Ass:** istg

**;)Case:** FIVES JUST SENT ME A PICTURE AND HOLY SHIT??

**;)Case:** I THOUGHT HE JUST WANTED TO TEASE BUT YOU ACTUALLY????

**;)Case:** FUCKING HELLS COMMANDER BLY YOURE THICCC

**Dumptruck Ass:** I think I should be allowed to murder

**Fat Tits:** granted

**MotherFucker:** never in my life have I ever wanted to hear Hardcase groan like that ever

**MotherFucker:** this is hell

**;)Case:** d a m n

**;)Case: @Dumptruck Ass** your fukcing bubble butt

**Dumptruck Ass:** please can i have a little murder

**Dumptruck Ass:** as a treat i think i deserve it

**Monnk:** This is everything I hate holy shit

**Baby Kote:** where the hell have  _ you  _ been??

**Monnk:** not here

**Baby Kote:** bitch

**Monnk:** baby

**Baby Kote:** _ bitch _

**;)Case:** NO BACK TO BLYS ABSOLUTE STUNNING ASS

**;)Case:** I WANT A PIECE OF THAT CAKE

**Dumptruck Ass:** i have never hated anyone more

**Cannibal:** _ oh my god _

**MotherFucker:** CHILDREN

**MotherFucker:** _ CHILDREN HERE _

**Baby:** this is the absolute worse 

**MotherFucker:** _ C H I L D R E N _

**;)Case:** THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT HAVE ADDED THEM

**MotherFucker:** I WANTED THEM TO FEEL INCLUDED

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** It’s been a while since I came on here! How’s everyone doing?

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** and holy shit forget I ever asked

**MotherFucker:** akjdhfafb

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** I feel violated

**Dumptruck Ass:** HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL

**;)Case:** BLY YOUR ASS DESERVES TO BE WORSHIPED 

**;)Case:** FIVES IS R I G H T

**Eat Your Gree(ns):** I hate this so much goodbye immediately

**[Eat Your Gree(ns) is Idle]**

**;)Case:** ajkaf wow he just karking dipped

**Fat Tits:** this is all sorts of terrible

**Fat Tits: @MotherFucker** if you want Fives back come around at 1700 

**MotherFucker:** do I want him back tho??

**Baby Kote:** you do you adore him

**MotherFucker: i** I do but oh god at what _cost_

**Echo:** force how long is this going to go on??

**Echo:** so far we have Fox’s fat tits

**Fat Tits:** ugh

**Echo:** now we have Bly’s dumptruck ass

**Echo:** should we just move on through all the CC’s and end it here

**;)Case:** Cody has some pretty nice calves

**Baby Kote:** Excuse you???

**Baby Kote:** I have  _ amazing  _ calves thank you very much

**;)Case:** fine amazing calves

**;)Case:** Echo has fuckugakjasjs good thighs damn bitch

**Echo:** suddenly I regret everything I’ve ever done

**;)Case:** hmmm love that

**Echo:** f u c k

**[Echo has kicked ;)Case from** **Chat of Sin and Regret** **]**

**Echo:** I am your lord now

**Echo:** kneel before me

**Wolffe:** kinky

**Echo:** BITCH WHAT THE FUCK NOT YOU TOO

**Cannibal:** lmao

* * *

**A Five is Speaking:** _ I AM FREEEEE _

**Dumptruck Ass:** oh no

**Dumptruck Ass: @Fat Tits** you couldn’t have held onto him a little bit longer?

**Fat Tits:** I was talking my ear off I had to get rid of him

**A Five is Speaking:** MWUHAHAHA

**Baby Kote:** Maybe if we sic him on Grievous that old tin can would finally leave the 212th the  _ fuck alone  _

**MotherFucker:** what are the chances he has a crush on Kenobi

**Wolffe:** dont joke about that please by all the little force gods

**Wolffe:** Buir has told me karking  _ horror  _ stories about your General’s enemies

**Wolffe:** _ waitfuckshit kafbaf _

**Cannibal:** _ did you call Master Plo Buir!! _

**Wolffe:** liSTEN I CAN EXPLAIN

**Baby Kote:** l m a o

**Baby Kote:** Sadly though I wouldn’t be surprised if Grievous  _ did  _ have a crush on General Kenobi

**Cannibal:** does this mean i have to shame Grievous on the battlefield??

**Cannibal:** _ wAIT _

**MotherFucker:** _ i can do b e t t e r _

**Dumptruck Ass:** Honestly

**Dumptruck Ass:** I’m looking forward to it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Five is Speaking: Fives  
> Echo: Echo  
> Bly/Dumptruck Ass: Bly  
> MotherFucker: Rex  
> Fox/Fat Tits: Fox  
> Baby Kote: Cody  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Monnk: Monnk  
> Baby: Tup  
> Eat Your Gree(ns): Gree


	11. Reboot Reboot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cannibal/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> MotherFucker/Dad2: Rex  
> Baby Kote/Dad1: Cody  
> Fat Tits: Fox  
> Dumptruck Ass: Bly  
> A Fives is Speaking/Horny Bastard: Fives  
> Echo/Rex's Fav: Echo  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Baby: Tup  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Kix: Kix  
> Helix: Helix  
> ;)Case: Hardcase

**Cannibal:** _ REX YOU MOTHERFUCKER _

**MotherFucker:** i mean

**Cannibal:** _ YOU SON OF A BITCH _

**MotherFucker:** yes but we already know that about Jango

**Cannibal:** sahbahfhjaj

**Baby Kote:** istg

**Baby Kote:** _ WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE _

**Cannibal:** FINE

**Cannibal:** GET READY REX CAUSE IM BOUTTA ONE UP YOU

**Fat Tits:** what the fuck

**Baby Kote:** Rex called Grievous Obi-Wan’s ex boyfriend

**Fat Tits:** _ what the f u c k _

**MotherFucker:** Obi-Wan was  _ not  _ phased

**Baby Kote:** Rex:  _ General Kenobi! Your ex is here! _

**Baby Kote:** Dumbass General:  _ Which one!? _

**Baby Kote:** Rex at a loss:  _ The tin can! _

**Baby Kote:** This fucking idiot:  _ Tell him I’ve moved on! _

**Dumptruck Ass:** wait hold the motherfucking music

**Dumptruck Ass:** aren’t you bastards fighting??

**Baby Kote:** yup

**Dumptruck Ass:** _ K O T E _

**Baby Kote:** lmao

**Cannibal:** aight we back boys

**MotherFucker:** _ COMMANDER TANO HOLY S H I T???? _

**A Five is Speaking:**

**Echo:** I don’t know whether I should be crying or laughing

**Cannibal:** let’s face it

**Cannibal:** I’m the baddest bitch in the universe

**Cannibal:** no one else’s got nothing on me

**Wolffe:** So is anyone going to fill us in or??

**A Five is Speaking:** Cody’s literally wheezing on the ground right now

**MotherFucker:** Ahsoka popping out of the vents and onto Grievous:  _ WHAT THE FUCK IS U P YOU DICKLESS FOUR ARMED FREAK OF NATURE!! COME CATCH THESE HANDS _

**The Big Sexy:** _ you called grievous, a cyborg Jedi killing major general of the seperatist armies a dickless four armed freak, and immediately started fucking him up?? _

**The Big Sexy:** I’m so  _ karking Proud _

**MotherFucker:** thank you i know im amazing

**Baby:** aslajf

**Baby:** oh my force

**Baby:** also i think Kix or Helix is about to sedate Commander Cody 

**Baby:** he’s been laughing for five minutes straight

* * *

**[ Everyone Else Apparently]**

**The OG Kid:** _ AHSOKA T A N O _

**The OG Kid:** HOLY SHIT????

**The Improved Kid:** _ HA  _

**Mom:** Ahsoka, please…

**The Improved Kid:** BUT AM I WRONG THO??

**The Improved Kid:** also none of my business but u h,,

**The Improved Kid:** wtf is Grievous’s deal w/u??

**The Improved Kid:** like shit why does he always attack ur ship???

**Mom:** I… have no idea honestly.

**Mom:** Maybe he’s just mad he hasn’t been able to kill me yet?

**The OG Kid:** o r,, just hear me out

**Mom:** Anakin, no.

**The OG Kid:** _ you didn’t even know what i was going to say yet!! _ _   
_ **Mom:** You were going to say that Grievous has a crush on me.

**Dad2:** I mean

**Mom:** N o.

**The Improved Kid:** he does seem  _ really  _ interested in you Master

**Mom:** _ All of you are heathens.  _

**Dad1:** l m a o

**Mom:** Cody, both Helix and Kix were about a second away from sedating you earlier.

**Dad1:** _ she called him a dickless four armed freak of nature what isn’t there to laugh about?? _

**Kix:** I still feel the need to do it

**Dad1:** hey maybe you should check Kenobi

**Mom:** _ Cody!  _

**Mom:** I mean,

**Mom:** no, absolutely nothing happened. I am in perfect health, just scrapes and bruises.

**Kix:** Sir, I will throw you over my shoulder like a bag of potatoes 

**The OG Kid:** dont worry i got it

**Mom:** Anakin don’t you dare!

**Mom:** Anaki

**The Improved Kid:** l m a o

**The Improved Kid:** rip master Obi-Wan

**Dad2:** he had it coming

**Helix:** I’m so karking close to just tying down the General in a bed and never letting him go 

**Rex’s Fav:** haha kinky

**Helix:** _ DISGUSTING GET OUT OF HERE  _

**The Improved Kid:** Im so disappointed in ya’ll thirsty hoes

**Rex’s Fav:** blame Fives hes incorrigible

**Dad2:** wow big word

**Rex’s Fav:** how dare you bully me

**Horny Bastard:** _ but like _

**Rex’s Fav:** N̴͖̙̙̻͔̫͌̽͛͊̋̋̍͐̀̿͐́͛͂͂͑͗̔̚͝ǫ̴̛̥͕̗̻̻̱͓͔̻̲̺̲͙͗̄̀̑̔̅͜͜

**Horny Bastard:** _ hey yo what the k a r k _

**The Improved Kid:** lmao nice Echo

**Rex’s Fav:** pay one credit to get me to deck Fives in the gut

**Horny Bastard:** _ hey n o w _

**The OG Kid:** five credits

**Horny Bastard:** _ GENERAL SKYWALKER??? _

**The Improved Kid:** 10 creds

**Horny Bastard:** _ COMMANDER T A N O? _

**Horny Bastard:** Yoda Voice* surrounded by traitors, I am

**;)Case:** 20

**Horny Bastard:** H A R D C A S E??

**Rex’s Fav:** *cracks knuckles* aight here i go boys

**Horny Bastard:** DONT YOU D A R E

**Horny Bastard:** EC

**Dad2:** lmao

**Helix:** NO DONT YOU DARE RUN IN HE

**Helix:** here

**The Improved Kid:** lmao he just dipped straight to the medbay

**Kix:** Fives needs to stop using my patients as human shields

**The OG Kid:** rip Obi-Wan

**Mom:** Oh, so that’s why he’s in here.

**Dad1:** he deserves it

**Mom:** Now that’s hardly fair

**Horny Bastard:** if i let Echo beat the shit out of me could I get a kiss general??

**The OG Kid:** F i v e s

**Mom:** Hmm,

**Horny Bastard:** (holy shit I never thought I’d get this far?)

**The OG Kid:** OBI-WAN IF YOU SAY YES I AM GOING TO LOCK YOU IN A ROOM AND SEND FIVES INTO THE COLD DARK BOWELS OF SPACE

**Horny Bastard:** _ no please it’d be so worth it _

* * *

**[** **The Three Braincells** **]**

**Dad1:** do it I want to see Five’s short circuit

**Dad2:** no i think skywalker might be serious

**Mom:** is that really  _ all  _ you’re protesting?   
**Dad2:** … it would be so fucking funny to me to see Five’s blue screen

**Dad2:** maybe he’d shut the kriff up for a few minutes

**Dad1:** completely blank

**Mom:** ajshf alright

**Mom:** full makeout or

**Dad1:** add a little tongue for the spice

**Dad2:** I’m going to be scraping Fives’ innards off the walls for days

* * *

**Horny Bastard:** I would  _ die  _ happy

**Dad1:** of course you would

**Mom:** Alright.

**Mom:** You two spar and when you eventually get your butt kicked, I’ll give you a kiss, how about that?

**Horny Bastard:** waitwaitwait _ wait  _ seriously?

**Mom:** Yes.

**Horny Bastard:** like you mean it  _ mean it???? _

**Mom:** Yes?

**Mom:** Were you joking? You don’t have to.

**Horny Bastard:** hmm oh oh no

**Horny Bastard:** I’m just riding a high rn dont wrry about it

**Rex’s Fav:** fuck man 

**Rex’s Fav:** u a masochist or something???

**Rex’s Fav:** you got a competency kink??

**Horny Bastard:** _ at least i dont have a praise kink right Echo? _

**Rex’s Fav:** I DO NOT YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NIW

**Horny Bastard:** I WILL NOT TAKE BACK THE T R U T H

**Mom:** Well, they’ve gotten themselves quite riled up. Fives may be getting that kiss sooner than anticipated.

**The OG Kid:** _ OBI-WAN!!!!!! _

**The Improved Kid:** kark now i gotta shame Fives  _ and  _ Echo

**Rex’s Fav:** _ I DO N O T HAVE A PRAISE KINK HES A FILTHY LIAR _

**Rex’s Fav:** FIVES I AM GOING TO BREAK ALL OF YOUR  _ LIMBS!!! _

**Mom:** Oh dear.

**Mom:** Try not to break his face too bad?

**Rex’s Fav:** _ we’ll see _

**Mom:** If I’m going to kiss him I would like to at least not get blood on my face.

**Rex’s Fav:** u g h

**Rex’s Fav:** I’ll do my best to not smash his face into durasteel

**Mom:** Thank you Echo.

**Mom:** And going by your reports, I’m fairly confident that you’ll do as well as you always do.

**Rex’s Fav:** akjdskhbthanks

* * *

**[** **The Three Braincells** **]**

**Dad2:** oh you conniving little shit

**Mom:** ;P

**Dad1:** aldjksfsa

* * *

**Horny Bastard:** l m a o

**Rex’s Fav:** _ FIVES I WILL KARKING DESTROY YOUR BLOODLINE _

**Rex’s Fav:** _ YOU FUCKING B I T C H _

**The Improved Kid:** y i k e s

**Helix:** well

**Helix:** Im almost impressed with how much damage you did him without punching him in the face once

**Rex’s Fav:** i do my job well

**Mom:** We know, dear.

**Rex’s Fav:** akjdbh

**Horny Bastard:** i am

**Horny Bastard:** i am in so much  _ pain  _

**Horny Bastard:** holy s h i t  _ ow _

**Rex’s Fav:** thats what u karking  _ get  _ you Slut

**Horny Bastard:** can i  _ please  _ get my kiss now

**Horny Bastard:** im pretty sure general skywalker wants my head on a pike

**The OG Kid:** kind of but I think Echo did the job pretty well all things considered

**Mom:** Yes, of course you can have your kiss now.

**Horny Bastard:** Oh Hell Yea

**Helix:** oh shit

**Dad2:** l m a o

**Dad1:** _ Fives’ face  _

**Dad1:**

**Horny Bastard:**

**Horny Bastard:** i

**Helix:** he’s rebooting

**Horny Bastard:**

**Horny Bastard:** ahasdkjsfabjhavdlkadvhbaf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cannibal/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> MotherFucker/Dad2: Rex  
> Baby Kote/Dad1: Cody  
> Fat Tits: Fox  
> Dumptruck Ass: Bly  
> A Fives is Speaking/Horny Bastard: Fives  
> Echo/Rex's Fav: Echo  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Baby: Tup  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Kix: Kix  
> Helix: Helix  
> ;)Case: Hardcase


	12. Oops??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck Palpatine lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Fives is Speaking: Fives  
> Fat Tits: Fox  
> MotherFucker/Dad2: Rex  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> Baby Kote/Dad1: Cody  
> Monnk: Monnk  
> Echo: Echo  
> Ponds: Ponds  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Cannibal/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> Baby: Tup  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi

**A Fives is Speaking:** oh my force

**Fat Tits:** ?

**MotherFucker:** Obi-Wan promised to give Fives a kiss if he let Echo beat the shit out of him

**Fat Tits:** what the  _ kriff?  _

**Wolffe:** huh

**Wolffe:** he a masochist or something

**A Fives is Speaking:** im not even going to reply to that

**A Fives is Speaking:** wow 

**A Fives is Speaking:** hes a good kisser

**Baby Kote:** It’s been a day?

**Baby Kote:** are you still hung up about it??

**A Fives is Speaking:** _ absolutely  _

* * *

**[ Dad2 has sent a private message to Dad1]**

**Dad2:** you cant say shit

**Dad2:** didnt you fucking thank him and then dip?

**Dad1:** oh like you can say anything either

**Dad1:** you  _ fainted  _

* * *

**Monnk:** well shit

**A Fives is Speaking:** adkaks

**Echo:** youre  _ still kriffing thinking about it?? _

**A Fives is Speaking:** _ shut UP! _

**Ponds:** how has skywalker not killed you yet??

**A Fives is Speaking:** Kenobi threatened to never make flatcakes for him ever again

**Ponds:** still surprised Skywalker hasnt used you for lightsaber practice

**Echo:** also probably due to him being a clone and familiar to Skywalker

**Echo:** force knows that if it were a stranger that poor motherfucker’d be dead before they even got  _ close  _

**A Fives is Speaking:** literally kriff all of you

**Echo:** _ you wanna go again you little shit??? _

**A Fives is Speaking:** WE ARE THE SAME HEIGHT

**A Fives is Speaking: @Everyone** ECHO’S GOT A PRAISE KINK

**Echo:** _ FIVES YOU ABSOLUTE RAT BASTARD _

**Ponds:** is that supposed to be news??

**Echo:** _ ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD TO ME _

**Echo:** _ YOU HEAR THAT _

**Echo:** _ D E A D _

**A Fives is Speaking:** echo vod

**A Fives is Speaking:** you were basically  _ vibrating  _ when Kenobi put his hand on your shoulder and complimented you and called you a “good soldier” when you first met

**Echo:** _ I WAS N O T _

**A Fives is Speaking:** I WAS RIGHT B E H I N D YOU

**Echo:** F U C K Y O U

**The Big Sexy:** force

**Cannibal:** _ literally who karking else has a crush on my grandmaster _

**Cannibal:** or at least think he’s attractive

**The Big Sexy:** everyone thinks hes attractive

**Cannibal:** shut up simp

**The Big Sexy:** sjaahafbskfb

**The Big Sexy:** _ was he the winner for the MILF award this year again _

**Cannibal:** the fact that you’re asking me is absolutely unforgivable

**The Big Sexy:**...

**Cannibal:** y e a h 

**Ponds:** excuse me the fucking  _ what?? _

**The Big Sexy:** Master I’d Like to Fuck award

**The Big Sexy:** its been Obi for almost a decade straight

**Cannibal:** the amount of times other Padawans have come up to me to talk about my grandmaster is  _ too many  _

**A Fives is Speaking:** he deserves it

**Cannibal:** kriffing disgusting

**MotherFucker:** careful there fives

**MotherFucker:** or else you may just steal Vos’ title

**The Big Sexy:** ??

**Fat Tits:** Slut

**The Big Sexy:** _ kark all of you  _

**Baby Kote:** you’ve been caught with your pants down in hallways and closets much too frequently to even phase people anymore

**The Big Sexy:** i think i should be allowed to murder obi a little bit

**Fat Tits:** absolutely not

**Echo:** can  _ I  _ murder Fives a little bit

**Fat Tits:** yes

**A Fives is Speaking:** b i t c h

**The Big Sexy:** _ why  _ does he get permission to murder!!

**Fat Tits:** only because its Fives 

**Fat Tits:** Echo usually doesnt get permission

**The Big Sexy:** who  _ does  _ get permission??

**Fat Tits:** Bly, Cody, Rex, Tano, Tup, and Thire

**Ponds:** w a i t 

**Ponds:** why don’t  _ I  _ get murder rights??

**Wolffe:** yeah hey what the kriff Fox!!

**Fat Tits:** it’d be too recognizable as you two

**Cannibal:** oh hell yeah i get murder rights

**Baby:** nice

**MotherFucker:** alsafkf

**Baby:**

**Baby:**

**MotherFucker:** yeah okay fair

**The Big Sexy:** lkadlafavh

**A Fives is Speaking:** I’d probably murder someone for Tup

**Baby:** thanks ori’vod!! love you too!!

**Baby:**

**A Fives is Speaking:** aahh

**A Fives is Speaking:** serotonin

**Baby Kote:** I think we’d all murder someone for Tup’ika

**Baby:** o,,oh

**Baby:** hmm,,,maybe i shouldnt condone this

**Cannibal:** probably not but its the truth

**Baby:** ah

* * *

**[** **Disaster Lineage** **]**

**The OG Kid:** haha wow imagine what would happen should someone knock out a person in an incredibly high position of power?

**Mom:** _Anakin_

**The OG Kid:** on a totally unrelated note

**The OG Kid:** what would happen if 

**The OG Kid:** say

**The OG Kid:** one should accidentally knock out the chancellor

**Mom:** _ ANAKIN  _

**The Improved Kid:** _ HEY UH SKYGUY WHAT THE F U C K _

**The OG Kid:** I DIDNT MEAN TOO I FUCKING PANICKED??

**The OG Kid:** I WAS IN A MOMENT AND HE JUSTAJHSJ FUCKING APPEARED BEHIND ME?? AND I JUST

**The OG Kid:** I JUST REACTED??

**The OG Kid:** H EL P

**The Improved Kid:** Master Obi-Wan just ran straight out the door so you’ll probably have help in like 

**The Improved Kid:** five minutes

**The OG Kid:** the Temple is nearly a half hour away??

**Dad1:** I dont know how else to tell you kid but

**Dad1:** Obi-Wan would literally kill someone for you?

**The OG Kid:** _ oh  _

**The Improved Kid:** i mean yeah

**The OG Kid:** well y

**The OG Kid:** damn that was fast

**The OG Kid:** kriff he brought Vos

**Dad2:** do  _ not  _ start another fight with him again please i swear to force

**Dad1:** youre basically hiding a body so it makes sense he brought Vos with him

**The OG Kid:** fine i  _ gue _

**The Improved Kid:** Skyguy??

**The Improved Kid:** Master?

**Dad1:** the hell is going on?

**Dad2:** It’s been a bit

**Dad1:** It’s been nearly five minutes now?

**The Improved Kid: @The OG Kid** Master?

**Mom: @Everyone** Meet in my room at the Temple as soon as possible

**The Improved Kid:** Master Obi-Wan?

**Mom:** Apologies, Ahsoka. I must contact the Council immediately.

**Mom:** Cody, Rex, if anyone asks you, say that we’re going over battle plans.

**Dad1:** Sir?

**Mom:** Be discreet.

**Mom:** I’ll explain when we get there. General Vos has just given us insight as to who may be responsible for everything.

**Dad2:** Everything?

**Mom:** I can’t reveal anything here, I may have to get rid of the chat to keep certain things from being looked at.

**Dad1:** General Kenobi, are you all safe?

**Mom:** In this instance, Cody?

**Mom:** I don’t think anyone’s safe.

**[Mom has deleted the server:** **Disaster Lineage** **]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Fives is Speaking: Fives  
> Fat Tits: Fox  
> MotherFucker/Dad2: Rex  
> Wolffe: Wolffe  
> Baby Kote/Dad1: Cody  
> Monnk: Monnk  
> Echo: Echo  
> Ponds: Ponds  
> The Big Sexy: Quinlan Vos  
> Cannibal/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> Baby: Tup  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi


	13. Here For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah. . . it's all coming together
> 
> (Anakin having a moment? Yeah, that's the PTSD baby!!)

**[Mom has created a Secure Chatroom]**

**[Code: 69247]**

**[Mom has added: Cody, Rex, Quinlan Vos, Anakin Skywalker. . . etc.]**

**[Mom has renamed chat:** **Force fuck a Sith** **]**

 **Mom:**. . . So

**[Mace Windu has changed their name to Oh Hell No]**

**Oh Hell No:** _How does your lineage always bring up the craziest shit I’ve ever seen_

 **Quinlan Vos:** THE KARKING _SITH LORD???_

 **Mom:** In my defense. . . it wasn’t me?

 **Anakin Skywalker:** I punched our sith lord in the face

 **Anakin Skywalker:** holy shit i punched the sith lord _in the f a c e_

**[Rex has changed their name to MotherFucker]**

**MotherFucker:** Wait, hold on. I’m still processing

 **Cody:** Yeah, no shit.

 **Yoda:** 4 hour meeting, had we just did.

 **MotherFucker:**. . .

 **MotherFucker:** _GENERAL SKYWALKER_

**[Anakin Skywalker has changed their name to I’m in Danger]**

**I’m in Danger:** I K N O W

 **MotherFucker:** IN THE _F A C E????_

 **I’m in Danger:** F U C K

 **MotherFucker:** pretty cool pretty cool but 

**MotherFucker:** G E N E R A L

 **I’m in Danger:** kark are we in so much trouble

 **Cody:** You got it out now?

 **MotherFucker:** yeah

 **Cody:** Good

 **Mom:** Right then. . . what are we going to do?

 **I’m in Danger:** kill him obviously duh

**[Several People are Typing. . .]**

**Quinlan Vos:** oh wait a second no not a good idea

 **I’m in Danger:** what wHY?

 **Mom:** Anakin, think about it for a second.

 **Mom:** The only reason we found out was because you were caught up in a moment and he surprised you. He’s been operating under our noses for years, perhaps even before you were admitted into the Order. A man like that must have contingency plans in place if something were to go wrong.

 **Mom:** If we try and do something about it we’re going to be destroyed.

 **I’m in Danger:** oh

 **I’m in Danger:** when you put it that way

 **Yoda:** A plan we will need

 **Oh Hell No:** I agree

 **Oh Hell No:** but first we need to find out _what his_ plan is

 **Mom:** Ah.

 **Mom:** I have a feeling we already know.

 **Quinlan Vos:**??

 **Mom:** Currently, what is a Sith’s biggest enemy?

 **Ahsoka Tano:** the Jedi

 **Mom:** Precisely. 

**Mom:** Currently, what is the general public’s opinion _of_ the Jedi? 

**Mom:** How many Jedi are in Temple? How many Jedi are off fighting in the war?

 **Ahsoka Tano:**. . . he’s trying to kill us off

**[Several People are Typing. . .]**

**Depa Billaba:** Shouldn’t we have noticed?

 **Depa Billaba:** _How_ did we not notice?

 **Quinlan Vos:** I don’t think we _could_ have even if we tried

 **Fox:** how do you mean sir?

 **Plo Koon:** For some time now, the Force has grown murky. Dark. 

**Oh Hell No:** It’s stagnant here, on Coruscant. If we tried to look for any dark presences here we would have completely missed it.

 **Cody:** Alright alright but back to the problem at hand

 **Wolffe:** what do we do?

 **Yoda:** stay here we cannot

 **Mom:** but leave we cannot either

 **I’m in Danger:** what why not??

 **MotherFucker:** for one, General, we’re fighting a war

 **Mom:** Exactly. If the Jedi suddenly abandon our positions in the GAR, we’d be labeled as traitors to the Republic at large. We’d be hunted down and executed. 

**Plo Koon:** And we can’t exactly stay here either. If we stay, we stay under the jurisdiction of the Senate, and by proxy, the Sith Lord. 

**Mom:** He’s been orchestrating this war fr

 **Cody:** General?

 **Oh Hell No:** Obi-Wan

 **Quinlan Vos:** Obi!

 **Mom:** apologies i got caught up for a moment

 **I’m in Danger:** oh fuck no capitals

 **Mom:** Sheev Palpatine has orchestrated this war from the very _start_

 **Mom:** _the very start_

 **Quinlan Vos:** a n d?

 **Ponds:** Do you mean Geonosis, General?

 **Oh Hell No:** That was the beginning

 **Quinlan Vos:** no

 **Quinlan Vos:** geonosis isnt where it began

 **Quinlan Vos:** did it obi

 **I’m in Danger:** you think it started sometime else?

 **Mom:** It started on Kamino

**[Several People are Typing. . .]**

**Ponds:** I’m sorry _what?_

 **Cody:** Obi-Wan

 **Mom:** No

 **Mom:** nono no even further than that

 **Mom:** It started when Master Qui-Gon found Anakin

 **Mom:** the chosen one

 **I’m in Danger:** wh at

 **I’m in Danger:** _no_

 **Oh Hell No:** Obi-Wan Kenobi, explain.

 **Mom:** I took Anakin on as my Padawan learner, effectively cutting off palpatine from taking him in as an apprentice.

 **Mom:** Palpatine wanted power, still wants power. He was a Nabooan senator, now he’s the Supreme Chancellor. He’s going to want to keep building and building that up until he has an empire and what better way to do that than with the Chosen One at his side.

 **Oh Hell No:** And you think he orchestrated an entire war on both sides just to get Skywalker?

 **Quinlan Vos:** No, it’s more than that, isn’t it?

 **Quinlan Vos:** Because when you took Skywalker as a Padawan, you took him in as a Jedi. He became a part of the Order. 

**Quinlan Vos:** _holy shit you fucking cockblocked him_

 **Mom:** _Vos._

 **Quinlan Vos:** He was going to destroy us anyways, but we had the Chosen One _with us._ He couldn’t get to him, not as a Sith, but perhaps as a kindly old man who happened to be the Chancellor and could request audiences with certain Jedi. He’s been trying to groom Skywalker as his apprentice ever since he was found on Tatooine. But in order to get the Chosen One on his side, he had to separate him from the Order.

 **Mom:** He had to make Anakin Fall.

 **Oh Hell No:** Oh Force

 **I’m in Danger:** oh

 **I’m in Danger:** i really am in danger 

**Mom:** You won’t be alone, Ani. We’ll be with you.

 **I’m in Danger:** no

 **Mom:** Anakin?

 **Ahsoka Tano:** Skyguy?

 **I’m in Danger:** _I’m_ the danger

 **Plo Koon:** Skywalker

 **I’m in Danger:** NO

 **I’m in Danger:** PALPATINE WAS TRYING TO MAKE ME FALL TO THE DARKSIDE HE TRIED TO MAKE A _SITH_ OUT OF ME

 **I’m in Danger:** ITS LIKE WHAT VOS SAID! HES BEEN TRYING TO GROOM ME INTO A SITH EVER SINCE I WAS A C H I L D

 **I’m in Danger:** and what

 **MotherFucker:** General

 **I’m in Danger:** what if its been working

 **I’m in Danger:** i

 **I’m in Danger:** i’ve looked up to him, for the longest time

 **I’m in Danger:** i think it _has_ been working, at least a little bit

 **I’m in Danger:** he’s always told me these things about the Order. nothing too bad not like that but, it was always about attachments or emotions

 **Oh Hell No:** Like with your wife

 **I’m in Danger:** and mom

 **I’m in Danger:** Obi-Wan

 **I’m in Danger:** im scared

 **Mom:** We’ll help you, Ani.

 **Plo Koon:** You will get through this, young Skywalker. You won’t be alone, you’ll have help.

 **Yoda:** Abandoned, you will not be. Stand with you we will

 **Ahsoka Tano:** You won’t fall, Master. 

**MotherFucker:** You have the 501st behind you, General. Where you go, we go.

 **Cody:** The 212th are with you as well. 

**Ponds:** We all are 

**Quinlan Vos:** youre a pain in the ass

 **I’m in Danger:** thanks vos

 **Quinlan Vos:** no problem kid

 **Quinlan Vos:** You’ll get through this.

 **Depa Billaba:** Everyone, will get through this.

 **Mom:** Anakin?

 **Mom:** Are you all right?

 **I’m in Danger:** Yeah

 **I’m in Danger:** I will be.

* * *

**[Obi-Wan Kenobi has opened a Private Chat]**

**Obi-Wan Kenobi:** We know who the Sith Lord is.

 **Yan Dooku:** Oh?

 **Yan Dooku:** You always were a clever thing. A credit to my Lineage if I do say so myself.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** Enough, Dooku.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** The Sith wants to create an Empire.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** And he needs Anakin to do it.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** And he’s going to slaughter every Jedi Master, every Knight, every Padawan, and youngling to get it. The Sith is going to enact a genocide.

**Yan Dooku:**

**Yan Dooku:** I am. . . impressed, Kenobi. You figured all that out rather quickly.

 **Yan Dooku:** But _why_ are you contacting me.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** Because I don’t think that you’re really okay with this.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** I don’t _believe_ that you’d allow us to be killed off like that.

 **Yan Dooku:** And, if your belief is misplaced? Have you forgotten, I am a Sith.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** A Sith that fell only because his former Padawan was killed. A Sith that fell because he loved someone too deeply to truly let go of that loss.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** You who has, somehow, not yet killed me.

 **Yan Dooku:** You have misjudged me and yourself. You are an excellent swordsman, Kenobi, do not try to make a good man out of me in an attempt to bring me back into the Light.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** I am under no such delusions, Count. But the fact remains, why haven’t you killed me? You were given many opportunities. I was at your mercy on Geonosis, and yet I am still here. 

**Obi-Wan Kenobi:** See, the thing is, I don’t think you can. I am the last tie to Qui-Gon that you have. I was his apprentice. You leaving the Order cannot erase the fact that you had ties to us before.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** You cannot erase the history you had here, nor the family that you once had.

 **Yan Dooku:** Family, and what would you know of such a thing!

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** Enough to see Anakin as my brother, and Ahsoka as my sister. I know enough to see Qui-Gon as my father and Tahl as my mother. Was it not you who once said that Lineages are much alike to a family tree?

 **Yan Dooku:** I

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** We may have not met in person before Geonosis, but Master Qui-Gon talked about you. Mostly complaints, but I could tell from his tone that he loved you. You were _his_ Master, once, and he never forgot that.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** In another time, perhaps you and I could have known each other as more than enemies on opposite sides of the playing field.

 **Yan Dooku:** In another time

 **Yan Dooku:** I offered you a position at my side, Kenobi.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** And did you really think I would take it? Fight and slaughter my family in exchange for power?

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** I made a promise to Master Qui-Gon, that I’d never fall to the Dark side, that I’d never become another Xanatos. I’m not sure if he believed me, but I made a promise anyways. I didn’t break it then, and I have no intention of breaking it now, even all these years later.

 **Yan Dooku:** The promise of a child.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** That still remains unbroken.

**Yan Dooku:**

**Yan Dooku:** Qui-Gon

 **Yan Dooku:** He’d be ashamed to call me his Master.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** No, I don’t think so. Perhaps saddened that you had strayed so far.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** He loved you.

 **Yan Dooku:** I loved him.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** You _love_ him. Your love for him didn’t end when he died.

 **Yan Dooku:** No

 **Yan Dooku:** Nothing is ever so simple as that.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** It never is.

 **Yan Dooku:** You. . . are wise beyond your years, Kenobi.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** Thanks, it’s the trauma.

 **Yan Dooku:** ajd 

**Yan Dooku:** I see you’ve inherited Qui-Gon’s humor.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** Perhaps.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** You know,

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** you still have others here, back at the Temple. Master Yoda misses you. Master Plo does as well.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** Madame Jocasta will definitely be cross, but she’d come around.

 **Yan Dooku:** How do you know about Jocasta and I?

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** I’m her favorite.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:**. . . You could come back.

 **Yan Dooku:** Right, and the others wouldn’t try and kill me on sight.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** Perhaps if you gave us information. . . called off the war on your side, help negotiate a peace between the Republic and the Separatists. 

**Yan Dooku:** And? What would I get in return? You ask for much, Kenobi, and it seems to me that I have little to gain.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** You could have your family back. Master Yoda, Plo, Madame Jocasta. . . you’d have a place here, with us. 

**Yan Dooku:** And what, become a Jedi.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** No, and I don’t think you’d want to become a Jedi again, either.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** But we’d be there for you. You’d have your family back. 

**Obi-Wan Kenobi:** I’d finally get to know the Grandmaster that Qui-Gon always rambled ever so fondly about.

**Yan Dooku:**

**Yan Dooku:**. . . and I’d get the Grand-Padawan that Qui-Gon always spoke so highly of.

 **Yan Dooku:** You’re certain of this? 

**Obi-Wan Kenobi:** Master Yoda still loves you. You still have a place here, though you might get punched by Mace.

 **Yan Dooku:** That, I’m expecting.

**Yan Dooku:**

**Yan Dooku:** What do you want to know, Obi-Wan.

 **Obi-Wan Kenobi:** Grandmaster, what is the Sith’s plan with the Clones?

**[Yan Dooku is Typing. . .]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dooku's definitely crying over Obi-Wan calling him Grandmaster
> 
> (I misspelled Dooku as Dooky so many times writing this)


	14. Found Out Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mom/Bitch Supreme: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Oh Hell No: Mace Windu  
> Yoda: Yoda  
> I'm in Danger/Skyguy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Ahsoka Tano/Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano  
> MotherFucker/Rex-it/Blue Bitch: Rex  
> Cody/Gold Bitch: Cody  
> Baby: Tup  
> The Fucking Supreme: Fives  
> Echo(echo(echo)): Echo  
> Hey Jessie: Jesse

**Mom:** So. . . promise you won’t get mad?   
**Oh Hell No:** Obi-Wan I want your severed head at my desk in five minutes

**Oh Hell No:** _ What  _ could you have possibly done?   
**Mom:** I didn’t do anything bad!

**Yoda:** A feeling I have about this

**I’m in Danger:** good or bad master??

**Yoda:** A feeling I have

**Ahsoka Tano:** Oh no

**Mom:** Honestly. . . I’m adding him to the chat now.

**[Mom has added Yan Dooku to** **Force fuck a Sith** **]**

**Yan Dooku:** . . . interesting name.

**Mom:** I wasn’t feeling very generous at the time.

**Oh Hell No:** excuse me for a moment

**I’m in Danger:** wh

**MotherFucker:** yo what teh f u c k

**Quinlan Vos:** OBI WHAT THE K A R K

**Quinlan Vos:** YOU GOT FUCKIGN COUNT DOOKU???

**Mom:** I am efficient.

**Cody:** *softly but with feeling*: holy shit?

**Depa Billaba:** huh

**Depa Billaba:** this is  _ not  _ what I was expecting honestly

**Garen Muln:** Obi. . . im fucking hollering

**[Ponds has sent a holo vid:** It’s blurry and shaky, Ponds laughing uncontrollably as it focuses on Mace- who’s screaming out of a window. . . the video is nearly five minutes long. **]**

**Ponds:** wow

**Oh Hell No:** okay im good now

**Mom:** _ Wow.  _

**Yan Dooku:** Do you have it all out of your system?

**Oh Hell No:** When you make your way into the Temple, I am going to deck you right in the face.

**Yan Dooku:** Yes, Obi-Wan’s told me that already.

**Mom:** He’s going to let it happen, so make that punch count Mace.

**Yoda:** Hmm. . .

**Yan Dooku:** Master.

**Yoda:** Padawan.

**I’m in Danger:** oh wow holy shit??

**Yoda:** Good it is, that join us you will.

**Yoda:** come back you intend to?

**Yan Dooku:** I may not be a Jedi, Master, but I will no longer fight against you. I’ve made many mistakes in my path for power. In losing Qui-Gon, I alienated myself from those who reached out to me, I lost both my Apprentice and myself in the same day. I have many regrets, Master, none more so than abandoning my path and falling to the Darkside. 

**Yan Dooku:** Recently, I have been reminded that although there is power in turning away from the Light, there cannot be true happiness found in the loneliness that comes with it.

**Yan Dooku:** I cannot ask for forgiveness, for there are things I have done that cannot be forgiven, but know that I offer myself, freely and wholly, to the Jedi Order as a servant to be used for good. 

**Yoda:** Hmm, vouch for him, you do Obi-Wan?

**Mom:** Yes, Master. Yan Dooku has expressed his desire to turn away from the Sith Lord, intent to help us restore balance and stop this needless war. He is offering up any and all information that he has on the Sith’s plans. Dooku can be useful, Master, if only we may give him the chance to prove himself.

**Yoda:** Agree you do, Yan? Join us, you wish to, once again?

**Yan Dooku:** Yes, Master.

**Yoda:** The council, agree they do?

**Plo Koon:** Yes, Master.

**Oh Hell No:** Yes

**Depa Billaba:** yes

**Yoda:** Agree, we all do. 

**Yoda:** Welcome you back, we do, my Padawan.

**Yan Dooku:** Thank you, Master Yoda.

* * *

**[** **The 501st is the Best! NO FUCK YOU CODY** **]**

**Skyguy:** everyone

**Skyguy:** this is a big day for you! today you get a new General, because when we get back Obi-Wan is going to  _ kill  _ me.

**Rex-it:** General, you dont need to worry about Kenobi killing you

**Rex-it:** _ because im going to kill you fiRST WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK SKYWALKER _

**Skyguy:** IT WASNT M Y FAULT

**Cannibal:** IT TOTALLY WAS SKYGUY

**Cannibal:** oh my force i cant wait to tell master kenobi

**Skyguy:** IT WAS N O T MY FAULT!!!

**Skyguy:** WOW SNIPS THROWING BE UNDER THE BUS THAT QUICK

**Baby:** ???

**Cannibal:** right Tup wasn’t there

**Baby:** do i,,, do i even want to know??

**Rex-it:** DO NOT ANSWER

**Rex-it:** Cyar’ika I am going to kriffing murder them

**Skyguy:** w ha t

**Rex-it:** _ F UC K WAIT _

**The Fucking Supreme:** _ R E X??? _

**Echo(echo(echo)):** WHAT THE FUCK NO GET BACK HERE

**[Rex-it has deleted a message]**

**Cannibal:** REX WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING TO

**Hey Jessie:** _ CYAR’IKA???? _

**Rex-it:** if i ask do you think dooku would kill me?

**Baby:** B U I R???

**Rex-it:** N O P E

* * *

**[** **The Three Musketeers** **]**

**Blue Bitch:** I fucked up

**Gold Bitch:** uH YEAH YOU DID

**Bitch Supreme:** R e x please

**Blue Bitch:** ITS NOT LIKE I MEANT TO

**Blue Bitch:** Maybe they dont know who it is??

* * *

**[** **The 501st is the Best! NO FUCK YOU CODY** **]**

**Cannibal:** _ THIS IS TOTALLY ABOUT CODY AND MASTER OBI-WAN ISNT IT REX!! _

* * *

**[** **The Three Musketeers** **]**

**Blue Bitch:** aawww kark

**Blue Bitch:** Tano is totally onto us

**Gold Bitch:** she better be shes the only observant one out of everyone

**Bitch Supreme:** Anakin’s going to know last isnt he :/

**Gold Bitch:** *sobbing* hes so stupid

* * *

**[** **The 501st is the Best! NO FUCK YOU CODY** **]**

**Skyguy:** THERE IS NO WAY

**Skyguy:** EVERYONE STOP SCREAMING 

**The Fucking Supreme:** IT MAKES SENSE THO

**The Fucking Supreme:** GENERAL I HAVE A FUCKING CHART

**Skyguy:** FIVES HOLY SHIT???

**Cannibal:** _ it makes sense!!! They totally banging _

**Skyguy:** _ I DO NOT WANT TO THINK OF OBI WAN THAT WAY SNIPS _

**Hey Jessie:** SAY WHAT YOU WANT GENERAL BUT KENOBI IS GODDAM 5-STAR M E A L

**Rex-it:** All of you are absolute heathens

**Skyguy:** please tell me youre not sleeping with my master

**Rex-it:** I am most certainly am not

**Skyguy:** thank god

**Skyguy:** NOT THAT I DONT THINK YOU COULD

**Skyguy:** I MEAN YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION OR WAHTERASFBA

**Skyguy:** FUCK

**Cannibal:** force master

**Skyguy:** I DIDNT MEAN THAT YOU COULDNT I MEANNADBbd

**Skyguy:** YOURE PLENTY ATTRACTIVE REX 

**Rex-it:** gee thanks general such faith :/

**Skyguy:** _ akjdsbvgsj _

**Cannibal:** w o w

**Rex-it:** you dont need to tell me tho general

**Rex-it:** i already know i can get it 

**Skyguy:** adnAJDBAJHVf

* * *

**[** **The Three Musketeers** **]**

**Blue Bitch:** broke him :)

**[Blue Bitch has sent a screenshot]**

**Gold Bitch:** w o w

**Gold Bitch:** skywalker is a disaster

**Bitch Supreme:** Anakin… 

**Bitch Supreme:** actually im not surprised 

**Gold Bitch:** _ W o w _

**Bitch Supreme:** I love him I do 

**Bitch Supreme:** but he is so very very oblivious that it’s a miracle he can find his boots in the morning

**Blue Bitch:** dakhdbsfv

* * *

**[Cannibal has sent Rex-it a private message]**

**Cannibal:** so youre definitely dating Commander Cody and Master Obi-Wan right

**Rex-it:** absolutely

**Cannibal:** _ fucking k n e w it _

**Rex-it:** dont tell anyone yet tho we have a bet going on 

**Cannibal:** ???

**Rex-it:** I bet 6 months until everyone knew but its been 8 months already so i definitely lost

**Cannibal:** HOW LONG AHVE YOU ALL BEEN DATING???

**Rex-it:** practically a year now

**Cannibal:** _ I THOUGHT YALL JUST GOT TOFETHER A FEW WEEKS AGO??? _

**Rex-it:** w ow

**Cannibal:** okayokayokay what the other bets??

**Rex-it:** Cody bet a year

**Rex-it:** Obi-Wan bet 10 months

**Rex-it:** I dont want Cody to win :/

**Cannibal:** ksabfwhy???

**Rex-it:** he steals all the kriffing blankets at night

**Cannibal:** absolutely fair

**Cannibal:** what do i get in turn for keeping this secret for the next two months??

**Rex-it:** we each bet 1,000 credits

**Cannibal:** _ HOLYLA SHIT?? WHERED YOU GET THE MONEYAV?? _

**Rex-it:** Obi

**Cannibal:** what the  _ fuck?? _

**Rex-it:** He gambles like nothing else 

**Cannibal:** damn

**Rex-it:** I’ll get Obi to give you ⅕ of it

**Cannibal:** d e a l

**Cannibal:** thats still 600 credits

**Rex-it:** nice

**Rex-it:** keep it under wraps kid 

**Cannibal:** no Problem captain!!

**Rex-it:** will i ever know the reason behind your username??

**Cannibal:** I accidentally ate raw flesh once when I was super young

**Rex-it:** _ W H A T? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mom/Bitch Supreme: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Oh Hell No: Mace Windu  
> Yoda: Yoda  
> I'm in Danger/Skyguy: Anakin Skywalker  
> Ahsoka Tano/Cannibal: Ahsoka Tano  
> MotherFucker/Rex-it/Blue Bitch: Rex  
> Cody/Gold Bitch: Cody  
> Baby: Tup  
> The Fucking Supreme: Fives  
> Echo(echo(echo)): Echo  
> Hey Jessie: Jesse


	15. oop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Big Sexy/Quin: Quinlan Vos  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> Light of your Life: Luminara Unduli  
> Talk Shit Get Hit/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Window/Windows Software: Mace Windu  
> Brain Dead/Dad2: Rex  
> This is Fine/Dad1: Cody  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn: Neild  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Dooky/Galaxy's Worst Grandpa: Yan Dooku  
> The Organ Mixtape: Breha Organa  
> The Organ Remix: Bail Organa  
> Better Than You: Reeft  
> The Best: Garen Muln  
> Horny Bastard: Fives  
> Rex's Fav: Echo  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Mom/Council Baby/Baby-Wan: Obi-Wan Kenobi

**[** **The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad** **]**

**The Big Sexy:** fuck kenobi

**You Know:** Every single Seperatist:

**You Know: “** _ we’re trying!” _

**The Big Sexy:** not what i was getting at but accurate

**Light of your Life:** wait I wasnt there

**Light of your Life:** how’d you find out the Big Bad?

**The Big Sexy:** Psychometry!!!

**The Big Sexy:** skywalker was having a moment

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** which is code for

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** ﾟ✧: * PTSD ﾟ✧: *

**Better Than You:** accurate

**The Big Sexy:** and he knocked out you know who because of that bitch’s nasty vibes

**The Big Sexy:** so Obi dragged me with him (we were at Dex’s) and we had to drag the dude to the couch and when i got my hands on him,,,

**The Big Sexy:** so yeah!

**Light of your Life:** huh

**Light of your Life:** makes sense 

**Bastard Frog:** whack

**Queen:** ???

**You Know:** ^^

**The Big Sexy:** oh shit right

**The Big Sexy:** uuhh

**Window:** Have Obi-Wan explain it

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** wrow

**Queen:** _ W HA T _

**You Know:** ...that makes so much sense.

**Brain Dead:** ? How

**You Know:** Obi wan has the worst luck on missions

**This is Fine:** oh my force

**Brain Dead:** safdsjb

**Brain Dead:** huh

**The Big Sexy:** cant believe hes still alive???

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** wrow

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** master obi-wan’s pretty cool

**Calamari:** he’s survived so many sith

**Calamari:** get this man a break!!!!

**The Big Sexy:** you just dont want him to show up in the halls of healing

**Calamari:** i just want him to stop hurting :(

**Calamari:** wow i could have phrased that better

**Am I Wrong:** you sound like you wanna kill him

**Calamari:** I dont!!!! I love him so much!!

**Calamari:** hes just an idiot!!

**The Big Sexy:** true

**Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn:** _ wait the who is the Sith!!!! _

**Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn:** damn

**Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn:** Obi-wan doesnt fuck around

**Window:** We’re all just waiting for him to have a nervous breakdown

**[Shrubbery has added Dooky to** **The Obes Kenobes Protection Squad** **]**

**Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn:** wha

**Dooky:** … Could we change my name?

**Shrubbery:** deserve this you do

**Dooky:**

**Dooky:** fair

**Dooky:** What’s this about Obi-Wan having a nervous breakdown?

**Queen:** is

**Queen:** is that Count Dooku?

**Dooky:** Yes?

**Dooky:** And who may you be?

**Queen:** Former Queen Amidala, current Senator of Naboo.

**Queen:** And Anakin Skywalker’s wife.

**Dooky:** ah

**Dooky:**

**Dooky:** … You could do better.

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** KHDAFBABFWOW

**Dooky:** Who?

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** Ahsoka Tano, Padawan to Master Skywalker

**Dooky:** You could also do better.

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ SJANGKABD _

**Brain Dead:** you just really do not like general skywalker do you

**Dooky:** He is a stain to my Lineage

**Shrubbery:** only like Obi-Wan he does

**Dooky:** He’s competent.

**The Big Sexy:** _ he is but also him be a little ball of trauma and anxiety _

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** okay i only know the Melida/Daan thing but like

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** what else?? is there???

**Window:** To know all of it would drive you to drinking so we’re not going to delve there.

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _??? _

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** _ wha _

**The Best:** dont ask

**Dooky:** Wait, how many of you have dated Obi-Wan.

**You Know:** Me

**The Big Sexy:** me 

**Better Than You:** me

**Am I Wrong:** me

**The Best:** me

**The Organ Mixtape:** does a one night stand count?

**The Organ Remix:** it was more like a week

**The Organ Mixtape:** I mean, sure.

**The Big Sexy:** I’m sure theres been many more than just us

**Talk Shit Get Hit:**

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** holy fuck??

**Am I Wrong:** Obi-Wan can get it 

**Window:** this is so much more than I was expecting…

**Window:** The Organas?

**The Organ Mixtape:** I refuse to apologize

**Dooky:**

**Dooky:** Hmm… 

**Shrubbery:** maim them you can not

**Dooky:** Who was his first?

**Dooky:** Listen… I just want to talk.

* * *

**[Quin has sent a private message to Obi]**

**[Quin has sent a screenshot]**

**Quin:** I think your grandmaster wants to kill me

**Obi:**

**Quin:** Ive never read a sigh through a text before

* * *

**Dooky:** Who snitched me to Obi-Wan.

**You Know:** you’ve tried to kill him several times

**Dooky:** Just because I was aiming with lethal integrity does not mean I wanted him dead.

**You Know:** thats such banthashit

**Window:** This is not a scenario I could have predicted but it definitely should have been one I expected

**Window:** How far out are you?

**Dooky:** I am a day away from Coruscant.

**Window:** Lovely.

**Talk Shit Get Hit:** That was so passive aggressive

**Window:** thank you

* * *

**[** **Everyone Else Apparently** **]**

**Dad1:** wow

**Dad1:** General Windu really went for it

**Mom:** What?

**Mom:** Oh.

**The OG Kid:** oop there he goes

**The OG Kid:** okay hey wait

**The OG Kid: @The Improved Kid** you ate flesh???

**The Improved Kid:** _ REX!! _

**Dad2:** YOU NEVER SAID I HAD TO KEEP IT SECRET

**Dad1:** Is that why your user is Cannibal!!!!

**Horny Bastard:** WHAT!!!

**Horny Bastard:** hey i cANT CHANGE MY NAME

**Horny Bastard:** ECHO!!!

**Rex’s Fav:** ha

**Horny Bastard:** YOU CHANGED MY NAME IN EVERY CHAT

**Horny Bastard:** I CANT CHANGE IT

**Rex’s Fav:** lmao

**The Improved Kid:** WAITWAITWAITWAIT _ WAIT _

**The Improved Kid:** MASTER OBI-WAN HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU GOTTEN TOGETHER WITH???

**The Improved Kid:** CUZ SO FAR THERES BEEN THE ORGANAS VOS REEFT MULN DUCHESS SATINE AND SIRI

**The OG Kid:** YOU DATED HOW MANY PEOPLE???

**The Improved Kid:** APPARENTLY THERE’S BEEN M O R E??

**Mom:** Huh

**Mom:** No comment.

**The OG Kid:** _ MASTER _

**Mom:** Honestly Anakin, I had a life before you.

**Mom:** Actually, Quinlan and I were still dating for the first two years when you were my Padawan.

**The OG Kid:** WHAT

**The OG Kid:** HOW DID I NOT NOTICE???

**Mom:** Yes, I have been wondering that for a while.

**Mom:** It’s not like we were hiding it.

**The OG Kid:** oh my force

**The OG Kid:** now i have to rethink every interaction i had with vos

**Mom:** That really isn’t necessary. 

**Dad1:** Skywalker

**Dad1:** you are such a mess

**Dad2:** how did you not know???

**The OG Kid:** I WASNT REALLY EXPECTING IT????

**The OG Kid:** wait oh wait

**The OG Kid:** is that why I caught windu cornering vos??

**Mom:** Mace did what

**The Improved Kid:** oh my force

**The OG Kid:** uh yeah right outside our dorms

**Mom:** Mace

**Mom:** Hmm, hold on a moment, I’m just going to confirm this.

* * *

**[Council Baby has sent a private message to Windows Software]**

**Council Baby:** Did you seriously give quin the shovel talk

**Windows Software:** who told you that

**Windows Software:** i mean no

**Council Baby:** M a c e

**Windows Software:** There’s no proof

**Council Baby:** Anakin saw you

**Windows Software:** What a snitch

**Council Baby:** MACE

* * *

**Mom:** I have the confirmation 

**Mom:** Who wants to help me put itching powder in his laundry?

**The OG Kid:** _ OBI WAN _

**Dad2:** can we do Ponds as well

**Mom:** What’d he do?

**Dad2:** oh nothing i just want to prank him

**Rex’s Fav:** if that instigates a prank war between the 501st and the 187th then I am Out

**Dad1:** do not drag me into this

**Dad2:** you’ll probably be dragged into it either way

* * *

**[Galaxy's Worst Grandpa has sent a private message to Baby-Wan]**

**Baby-Wan:** why is this my name

**Galaxy’s Worst Grandpa:** Yoda

**Baby-Wan:** Fair

**Galaxy’s Worst Grandpa:** I need something

**Baby-Wan:** ?

**Galaxy’s Worst Grandpa:** I need direct communications to the GAR. Especially the commanders.

**Baby-Wan:** What are you planning?

**Galaxy’s Worst Grandpa:** Hopefully, something that will stop us from being wiped out of existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Big Sexy/Quin: Quinlan Vos  
> You Know: Satine Kryze  
> Light of your Life: Luminara Unduli  
> Talk Shit Get Hit/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> Bastard Frog: Ponds  
> Queen: Padme Amidala  
> Window/Windows Software: Mace Windu  
> Brain Dead/Dad2: Rex  
> This is Fine/Dad1: Cody  
> Calamari: Bant Eerin  
> Am I Wrong: Siri Tachi  
> Fuck Qui-Gon Jinn: Neild  
> Shrubbery: Yoda  
> Dooky/Galaxy's Worst Grandpa: Yan Dooku  
> The Organ Mixtape: Breha Organa  
> The Organ Remix: Bail Organa  
> Better Than You: Reeft  
> The Best: Garen Muln  
> Horny Bastard: Fives  
> Rex's Fav: Echo  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Mom/Council Baby/Baby-Wan: Obi-Wan Kenobi
> 
> \---
> 
> Got added to a discord chat and,,,  
> OH MY FUCKING G O D!!!!!! Me?? Absolutely dying because I'm surrounded by authors I've looked up to that have managed to drag me into tcw hell??? its more likely than you'd think


	16. Yoda Fvcks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am Respectfully Looking: Monnk  
> Simp: Cody  
> Kermit Who: Ponds  
> Bac it Up: Bacara  
> Captain: Rex  
> Mr Stingy: Wolffe  
> Tired Bitch: Thire  
> Swimming Trunks are Clothes: Kit Fisto  
> Council Supreme: Depa Billaba  
> Windows Software: Mace Windu  
> Shawty got the fatty: Bly  
> she my lil boo thing: Fox  
> Dad: Plo Koon

**[** **Clone Commanders Only: DONT INVITE YOUR KARKING BOYFRIEND FOX!** **]**

 **I am Respectfully Looking: @Simp** what the _fuck_ is wrong with your General

 **Simp:** Hello monnk thanks for asking I’m doing well!

 **Simp:** what happened this time

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** Kenobi and Kit were just talking?? and then kenobi just went?? all pale??? he just passed tf out 

**I am Respectfully Looking:** and all Kit did was catch him and just go 

**I am Respectfully Looking:** “not again”

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** wtf????????

 **Simp:** aw shit

 **Simp:** i’ll come collect him where are you?

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** In typical Kit Fisto fashion, my general just took off his robes to wrap them around Kenobi before picking him up bridal style and lugging him away

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** Yeah you’re not getting him back until your general wakes up from the short coma he put himself into

 **Simp:**. . .

 **Simp:** fuck it as long as he sleeps

**Kermit Who:**

**Kermit Who:** What the fuck???

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** Also you didnt answer my question!

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** wtf is wrong with your general???

 **Simp:** you see its a little thing we call trauma~✧*!

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** _bitch??_

 **Kermit Who:** he passed out _again_

 **Kermit Who:** update it boys

 **Bac it Up:** Shotbot reset counter

 **Beans:** Amount of days it’s been since Kenobi passed out: 0

 **Captain:** okay i havent been here in a while but

 **Captain:** who tf set up a bot for this shit

 **Bac it Up:** Wolffe and I did

 **Captain:** okay wolffe I get hes a bastard

 **Captain:** but _Bacara??_

 **Bac it Up:** thats not all it does

 **Captain:** i dont like that

 **Bac it Up:** Shotbot what are **@Mr Stingy** ’s vibes?

 **Beans:** the vibes are rancid sir absolutely disgusting

 **Mr Stingy:** BACARA YOU MOTHERFUCKER

 **Captain:** correction

 **Captain:** I very much like that

 **Simp:** hey wolffe

 **Mr Stingy:** what

**Simp:**

**Simp:** bitch

 **Mr Stingy:** Shotbot what are **@Simp** ’s vibes?

 **Beans:** the vibes are immaculate, out of this world

 **Simp:** _HA_

 **Mr Stingy:** FUCK

 **Simp:** _suck it_

 **Mr Stingy:** Shotbot 400Creds **@Simp**

 **Simp:** what

 **Bean:** Bring **@Simp** in Warm or Cold?

 **Mr Stingy:** Bring!Cold

 **Bean:** 3

 **Simp:** _what_

 **Bean:** 2

 **Simp:** Wolffe??

 **Bean:** 1

 **Simp:** _WOLFFE?!!_

 **Bean:** 0

 **Bean:** Mark executed

 **Captain:** _uh???_

 **Captain:** _WHAT_

**Captain: @[Redacted]**

**Captain: @[Redacted] @[Redacted] @[Redacted]** _W HA_

 **Captain:** _WOLFFE DID YOU KILL C O D Y_

**Mr Stingy:**

**Kermit Who:** wolffe not again

 **Mr Stingy:** i have done nothing wrong

 **Kermit Who:** Shotbot how valid is **@Mr Stingy**

 **Beans: @Mr Stingy** is 2% valid

 **Mr Stingy:** _motherfucker_

**Simp:** I look pretty good for a dead bitch

 **Captain:** _she’s alive!!_

 **Captain:** also

 **Captain:** _WHAT TEH FUCK????_

 **Simp:** fucking wolffe muted me

 **Bac it Up:** i do not remember putting in those commands 

**I am Looking Respectfully:** this family is a mess

 **I am Looking Respectfully:** _akhbsfwhat_

 **Mr Stingy:**??

 **Simp:** Monnk?

 **I am Looking Respectfully: @Tired Bitch** _does yoda fuck??_

 **Tired Bitch:** im sorry _w h a t did you just ask me_

 **I am Looking Respectfully:** I need an adult

 **Tired Bitch:** You are an adult!

 **I am Looking Respectfully:** _I need a better adult!!!_

 **I am Looking Respectfully:** _why did Kit leave me like this_

* * *

**[** **Council Hoes** **]**

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes: @Yoda** _DO YOU FUCK???_

 **Council Supreme:** Kit what teh _fuck_

 **Yoda:** ask this why do you?

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _OBI-WAN???? GRABBED MY COMMANDER AND TOLD HIM YOU FUCKED???_

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _????????_

 **Yoda:** 900 years I was not always

 **Yoda:** Young I once was

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!_

 **Windows Software:** _this is not what i wanted to see_

* * *

**[** **Clone Commanders Only: DONT INVITE YOUR KARKING BOYFRIEND FOX!** **]**

**[I am Respectfully Looking has sent a screenshot]**

**I am Respectfully Looking:** on all levels except physical i am deceased

 **Simp:** oh my little force gods

 **Tired Bitch:** _i did not need to know that about my general i did not need to know that about my general i did not need to know that about my general why would you do this to me why why why whywhywhwywhywhy_

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** YOU THINK THATS BAD???

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** I HAD TO HEAR IT FROM OBI-WANS FUCKING MOUTH!!! HE SAID THAT _TO M E_

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** HE KARKING WOKE UP, GRABBED ME, TOLD ME YODA FUCKS, AND THEN WENT RIGHT BACK TO SLEEP AS IF HE DIDNT JUST FUCKING DESTROY MY WORLD VIEW

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** i will never be the same again

 **Tired Bitch:** I HAVE TO WORK WITH HIM MONNK I HAVE TO KARKING WORK WITH GENERAL YODA

 **Tired Bitch:** oh my gods i wont be able to look him in the eyes

 **Bac it Up:** on a scale of 1 to 10 how hard is Kote laughing

 **Captain:** hes crying

 **Simp:** h

 **Simp:** dgbhe

 **Simp:** fgvucks

 **Simp:** ypoda fhucks

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** i hate this so much

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** this is the worst possible timeline

 **Tired Bitch:** how do i look him in the eyes after this 

**I am Respectfully Looking: @Simp** if your karking jedi werent so cute when hes sleeping id be slapping him silly for imparting on me this absolutely cursed knowledge

 **Simp:** y

 **Simp:** yopda fuvks

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** gods damn it

**Shawty got the fatty:** what the fuck

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** read up Bly

 **Shawty got the fatty:** i reiterate

 **Shawty got the fatty:** _WHAT TJE F U C K_

 **she my lil boo thing:** oh no

 **Simp:** wtf is your name fox

 **she my lil boo thing:** Vos

 **Simp:** aight fair

 **Shawty got the fatty:** why does obi wan know this

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** i

**I am Respectfully Looking:**

**Captain:** oh my gods

 **I am Respectfully Looking:** how does he know this

 **Bac it Up:** new question

 **Bac it Up:** does Yoda _still fuck_

* * *

**[** **Council Hoes** **]**

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** GOOD QUESTION FROM COMMANDER BLY

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** WHY DOES OBI WAN KNOW

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** YODA WHY TF DOES OBI WAN KNOW HOW DOES HE KNOW

 **Yoda:** ask me you should not

 **Council Supreme:** fine we’ll just ask obi

 **Yoda:** _ask him also you should not_

 **Windows Software:** oh my gods

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _its embarrassing to you isnt it master yoda_

 **Yoda:** speak of this we shall not

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** moving on then

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** interesting question from commander Bacara

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** do you still fuck??

 **Council Supreme:** Kit oh my force

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** hush Depa i need answers

 **Yoda:** hmm

 **Council Supreme:** i despise all of you

 **Council Supreme:** except for Plo

 **Dad:** thank you Depa

 **Yoda:** confirm or deny I will not

 **Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** I CANT EVEN TELL WHICH IT IS IT REALLY COULD BE EITHER

 **Windows Software:** this is so cursed

* * *

**[** **Clone Commanders Only: DONT INVITE YOUR KARKING BOYFRIEND FOX!** **]**

 **Bac it Up:** ajbsfabfkhbf

 **Kermit Who:** on all levels except physical I am my general

 **Captain:** rip General Windu who has to deal with the other masters and also my general on a near daily basis

 **Shawty got the fatty:** where Kote??

 **Captain:** he’s still wheezing

 **Captain:** his sense of humor is so broke

 **Captain:** he finds this hilarious

 **she my lil boo thing:** of course he does

 **she my lil boo thing:** bastard

 **Simp:** what about this isn’t fucking funny

 **Tired Bitch:** _do you fucking know?? Kote huh??_

 **Simp:** well… 

**Shawty got the fatty:** oh my gods

 **Simp:** Obi-Wan and I talk

**Simp:** we have so many gossip sessions when no one’s around it’s unbelievable

**Mr Stingy:** what

**Simp:** yeah

**Simp:** mostly about a few senators and some Jedi Obi-Wan knows

**Mr Stingy:** _ what  _

**I am Respectfully Looking:** oh my force

**Simp:** the clones too sometimes

**Captain:** C o d y

**Simp:** Listen

**Simp:** have you  _ met  _ the 212th??? Specifically Ghost Company???

**Captain:** aight fair

**Simp:** I have… so much dirt on everyone

**Mr Stingy:** Cody

**Simp:** everyone :)

**Bac it Up:** what is it about smiley faces that make it so threatening

**Simp:** I have no idea what you’re talking about Bacara :)

**Simp:** I have done no wrong and you can’t prove anything :)

**Shawty got the fatty:** we can fucking scroll up bitch

**Simp:** watch this

**[Simp has deleted 7 messages]**

**Mr Stingy:**

**Kermit Who:** Kote you big baby

**Kermit Who:** you cant just throw out all the evidence you goddam brat

**Simp:** _ I am not baby _

**Mr Stingy:** hmm 

**Mr Stingy:** doubt

**Simp:**

**Captain:** oh my force

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am Respectfully Looking: Monnk  
> Simp: Cody  
> Kermit Who: Ponds  
> Bac it Up: Bacara  
> Captain: Rex  
> Mr Stingy: Wolffe  
> Tired Bitch: Thire  
> Swimming Trunks are Clothes: Kit Fisto  
> Council Supreme: Depa Billaba  
> Windows Software: Mace Windu  
> Shawty got the fatty: Bly  
> she my lil boo thing: Fox  
> Dad: Plo Koon  
> \---
> 
> A reader pointed out that the "List of blackmail" is similar to TallNegotiations Chatfit! So I'm changing that part!!  
> And if you guys like this chatfic you should definitely check out their's, it is so genuinely hilarious and I love it!!! So!! Much!!  
> -  
> Also! I read so much (so much) fic that whether I know it or not, I may accidentally write ideas into my own fics! If you find that something looks too similar Please!! point it out! I'll do my best to change it when I have the time.  
> (Things like prompts or general fic ideas are not included tho- there are thousands of the same ideas just put in different ways. Like AUs)


	17. 15hr naptime!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Council Supreme: Depa Billaba  
> Swimming Trunks are Clothes/Nudist: Kit Fisto  
> Windows Software: Mace Windu  
> Dad: Plo Koon  
> Yoda: Yoda  
> Married: Ki Adi Mundi  
> Baby/Baby-Wan: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Mom: Shaak Ti

**[ Council** **Hoes** **]**

**Council Supreme:** Is Obi-Wan still in that mini coma?

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** I’d really rather he not wake up any time soon

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ wow that did not come out right _

**Council Supreme:** akjfbakbfafKit

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** sHUT UP

**Windows Software:** Why am I even friends with any of you

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** Because we’re karking delights Mace!

**Windows Software:** We  _ just  _ had a discussion on whether or not Yoda fucks

**Windows Software:** I’m ready to throw myself out a window after that

**Dad:** How about you don’t

**Dad:** Where even is Obi?

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** He’s in my rooms why?

**Dad:** time to steal

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ PLO _

**Dad:** Yeet

**Council Supreme:** who the kark taught Plo this

**Yoda:** Obi-Wan I bet it was

**Married:** Why this

**Council Supreme:** aaaayyyy Master Mundi!!

**Married:** Hello Depa

**[Dad has sent a holo pic:** _ It’s of Master Plo walking through the hallways, Obi-Wan held against his chest, sleeping with his head tucked into the crook of Plo’s neck. Even with the mask, it is evident that Plo is undeniably smug. _ **]**

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN I CHANGED THE CODES!!!!

**Dad:** All is as the Force wills it

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** P L O

**Council Supreme:** aww baby

**Married:** Who’s even taking the picture?

**Dad:** …

**Yoda:** inappropriate use of the force that is

**Dad:** Like you haven’t used the force to take pictures of Obi-Wan before Yoda

**Yoda:** hmmph

**Council Supreme:** I think this is a new record for him honestly lmao

**Council Supreme:** He’s been asleep for nearly 5 hrs straight.

**Council Supreme:** Anyways want to hear about my Padawan!!!

**Dad:** Obviously

**Council Supreme:** Caleb is so cute!!! I love him so much!!

**Council Supreme:** I am the proudest mom in the Universe

**Windows Software:** Wait until he reaches his teen years

**Windows Software:** He’s going to be a nightmare

**Council Supreme:** aaawwww come on Master!!!

**Council Supreme:** surely I wasn’t  _ that  _ bad of a Padawan

**Windows Software:** Do you really want me to pull up the receipts?

**Council Supreme:**

**Council Supreme:** you know what

**Council Supreme:** keep them

**Windows Software:** That’s what I thought

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** Stop channeling yoda

**Yoda:** hmmph offended I almost am

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** Master Yoda i am  _ begging  _ you to talk like a normal person

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** I know you can!!! I’ve  _ heard  _ you talk like a normal person!!

**Yoda:** normally talk should I? Talking normally I am

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ Master Yoda [B]lease _

**Yoda:** To do that I think not

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ istf it’s going to be Yoda’s speech that drives me to be a sith _

**Yoda:** Terrible sith you would be

**Council Supreme:** You’d take one look at Obi-Wan and regret everything 

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ hey i’m better than that!! _

**Windows Software:** You’d apologize in .000003 seconds

**Married:** You’d cry

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ why am i friends with any of you bastards _

**Windows Software:** “we’re  _ karking  _ delights!”

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ fuck off!!!  _

**Baby:** Why does my mouth taste like,,, stale

**Council Supreme:** stale?

**Baby:** hush I;m still barely awale

**Council Supreme:** awale

**Baby:** awake*

**Baby:** You know what I mean!

**Dad:** enjoy your nap?

**Baby:** What time is it?

**Baby:** _ 7AM??? _

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** Congrats! You’ve slept for a total of 15 hours!

**Baby:** _ WHY DID NO ONE WAKE ME _

**Council Supreme:** You looked too cute

**Baby:** _ I have so much to do Depa!! _

**Mom:** My comm is pinging like crazy what happened?

**Dad:** Obi slept for 15 hrs

**Mom:** oh?

**Mom:** congrats on catching up on sleep

**Baby:** _ SHAAK!! I HAVE WORK TO DO!!!!  _

**Mom:** Oh hush I’m sure someone else did it

**Baby:** Force all of you are heathens

**Swimming Trunks are Shorts:** No one wanted to wake you!!!

**Mom:** Baby

**Baby:** I am  _ not!  _

**Dad:** Infant

**Baby:** I’m leaving

**Dad:** Oop nope

**Baby:** _ PLO  _

**Council Supreme:** awww baby miss his bottle?

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** cranky from his nap??

**Baby:** I am  _ not  _ that much younger than you!!

**Baby:** Kit you’re barely a decade older than I am!

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** And yet you’re baby

**Baby:** this is disrespect of the highest order

**Council Supreme:** Its cuz ur short <3

**Baby:** Depa we are the same height!

**Council Supreme:** shorty

**Windows Software:** tiny

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** huggable

**Married:** portable sized

**Baby:** I’m going to throw each of you off of the tower

**Baby:** PLO GET OFF OF ME 

**Dad:** Ad’ika

**Baby:** _ ugh.  _

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** lmao

**Baby:** Kit I’m telling Jocasta that you broke one of her data pads

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** I DIDNT EVEN BREAK ANYTHING

**Baby:** She’d believe me

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** OBI-WAN D:

**Council Supreme:** it’s true she would

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** that’s so unfair 

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** everyone knows Obi-Wan’s her favorite

**Baby:** ha

**Married:** It’s because he’s baby

**Baby:** _ Master Mundi _

**Baby:** but in this case it works in my favor

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ It always worked in your favor you doe eyed bastard!! _

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ YOU GOT AWAY WITH NEARLY ANYTHING IN THE CRECHE _

**Baby:** UwU <3

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ AKDBGAFSVAFBAGKBH  _

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** Gotta tell the others that you finally sent an UwU in chat

**[Baby has deleted a message in** **Council Hoes** **]**

**Baby:** ??

**Baby:** Kit I’ve literally never done that

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ you are the bane of my existence  _

**Baby:** I’ve done nothing wrong

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** Shaak!! He can’t get away with this!!!

**Mom:** Get away with what?

**Mom:** He hasn’t done anything

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ AAAAAAAAAHHH  _

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** Mace??

**Windows Software:** What in the Force are you talking about Kit?

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** I’m crying

* * *

**[Baby-Wan has sent a private message to Nudist]**

**Baby-Wan:** No one will ever believe you UwU

**[Baby-Wan has deleted the conversation]**

* * *

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ IM CRYING _

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** OBI-WAN WHY

**Baby:** I’ve done literally nothing Kit!

**Baby:** Are you okay?

**Baby:** Do you want a nap?

**Swimming Trunks are Clothes:** _ AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH  _

**Council Supreme:** This brings joy

**Windows Software:** ha get fucked Kit

**Council Supreme:** M a c e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Council Supreme: Depa Billaba  
> Swimming Trunks are Clothes/Nudist: Kit Fisto  
> Windows Software: Mace Windu  
> Dad: Plo Koon  
> Yoda: Yoda  
> Married: Ki Adi Mundi  
> Baby/Baby-Wan: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Mom: Shaak Ti
> 
> -
> 
> Whoops!!! Super sorry I haven't updated in a while!! Online school is being hectic and I'm doing college applications on top of all that so fanfic is definitely going to take a while to write and actually update
> 
> Thanks for being so patient!! <3


	18. BET

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cannibal/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> MotherFucker/Dad2: Rex  
> Dad1: Cody  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Horny Bastard: Fives  
> Gwegow UwU: Gregor  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Rex's Fav: Echo  
> Waxed: Waxer  
> Boiled: Boil  
> Kix Ass: Kix  
> Hey Jessie: Jesse

**Cannibal:** Wait a second….

 **MotherFucker:**??

 **Cannibal:** Obi-Wan’s user is Mom,,

 **Cannibal:** and your user

 **Cannibal:** _R E X!!!!_

 **Cannibal:** Force were we really that kriffing stupid????

 **Cannibal:** _your karking usernames,,,,_

 **MotherFucker:** aahh

 **MotherFucker:** rip

* * *

**[** **Everyone Else I Guess** **]**

 **The Improved Kid:** MOTHERS AND FUCKERS OF THE JURY

 **Dad2:** AHSOKA

 **The Improved Kid:** MAY I PRESENT

 **Dad1:**?

 **The Improved Kid:** MOM FUCKER ONE AND MOM FUCKER TWO

**The Improved Kid: @Mom @Dad1 @Dad2**

**The OG Kid:** WHAT

 **The OG Kid:** OBI WAN???

 **Mom:** Huh. Well, secret’s out boys

 **The OG Kid:** _OBI WAN????_

 **Dad1:** We were _not_ that subtle Skywalker

 **Dad1:** Look at our force damned usernames.

 **The OG Kid:** I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A JOKE

 **The Improved Kid:** _bruh_

 **Mom:** I’ll have those bets now, gentlemen.

 **Horny Bastard:** wait 

**The OG Kid:** YOU PLACED _BETS???_

 **The Improved Kid:** Rex I expect those credits shortly

 **Dad2:** right....

 **Dad1:** did you seriously conspire against me?

 **The Improved Kid:** It’s because you steal the blankets

 **Dad1:** I do _not_

 **Mom:** You do, dear. It’s fine though, you’re both human furnaces.

 **Dad1:** Is that really all I am to you? A human blanket to keep the cold away??

 **Mom:** Without a doubt.

 **Dad1:** damn 

**Dad1:** this is a hate crime

 **Mom:** It _really_ isn’t. 

**Gwegow UwU:** what teh shits

 **Dad2:** ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou

 **Gwegow UwU:** OwO??

 **Gwegow UwU:** Captwain? U don’t wike my name?

 **Dad2:** Cody please please please get rid of him

 **Dad1:** get rid of Fives and Hardcase

 **Dad2:** no

 **Gwegow UwU:** >:3c

 **Dad2:** you know what…

 **Horny Bastard:** _H E Y_

 **;)Case:** REX!!!

 **Dad2:** Kidding.. Kidding

 **Dad2:** Obi-Wan

 **Mom:** No.

 **Dad2:** OBI-WAN!!!

 **Gwegow UwU:** OwO thwanks Genewal

 **Mom:** You’re on thin ice…

 **Gwegow UwU:** Yes General

 **Rex’s Fav:** wait this means Fives cant flirt anymore

 **Mom:** Could you really call that flirting :/

 **Horny Bastard:** _GENERAL KENOBI :(((_

 **Mom:** I’m kidding Fives. I adore you.

 **Mom:** But your flirting needs work.

 **Horny Bastard:** kjsafafafv

 **Horny Bastard:** FINE HOW DID THE CAPTAIN AND THE COMMANDER FLIRT??

 **Dad1:** Better than you

 **Dad2:** waaayy better than you

 **Mom:** Badly.

 **Dad1:** OBI!!!

 **Mom:** I still love them though.

 **Dad2:** I feel betrayed

 **The Improved Kid:** sjkbfafhfv

 **The Improved Kid:** waitwaitwait wheres skyguy??

 **Mom:** Probably still processing. Don’t worry about it.

 **Waxed:** I’m owed so many credits

 **Boiled:** I owe so many credits

 **Horny Bastard:** kjasbahfs

 **Horny Bastard:** who else had bets on this???

 **Dad1:** Most of the CCs do

 **Dad2:** speaking of 

**Dad2:** should we tell em??

 **Mom:** They’ll probably tell the other Jedi…

 **Mom:** No I still have a bet going.

 **Dad1:** With _who???_

 **Mom:** Well… Padme’s out.

 **The OG Kid:** _P A D M E K N E W?????_

 **Mom:** Only a few months ago.

 **The OG Kid:** HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS!

 **The OG Kid:** WHAT!!!

 **The Improved Kid:** tbh skyguy,,, you arent the most perceptive person

 **The OG Kid:** HEY!! IM PLENTY PERCEPTIVE

 **Mom:** Out of everyone here, who managed to find a missing planet, deadly bounty hunter, secret clone army, another secret droid army, and the leaders of a coalition opposing the Republic? All on one fuel tank.

 **The OG Kid:** …. Well when you put it that way

 **Mom:** You are brilliant at many things my former Padawan, but being perceptive is not exactly one of them.

 **Rex’s Fav:** okay wait,, tahts so karking surreal tho

 **Dad1:** Honestly yeah what are the chances of that happening??

 **Mom:** If you are a part of Yoda’s lineage, literally anything can happen.

 **;)Case:** As part of the 501st I can agree with that in full confidence

 **Mom:** Also had a friend willing to help me out!

 **Dad2:** I am still terrified of the contacts you have

 **The OG Kid:** What you mean Dex??

 **Dad2:** among other y e a h

 **Dad2:** Dex should _not_ know as much as he does

 **Mom:** He is very efficient at his job!

 **Mom:** And his hobbies.

 **Gwegow UwU:** at least its not Ohnaka

 **Dad2:** Gregor everytime your user pops up it is another punch to the gut

 **Gwegow UwU:** I aim to displease Captain!

 **Dad1:** but no yeah

 **Dad1:** definitely glad its not Ohnaka

 **Mom:** He’s not so bad,, but he is annoying.

 **The OG Kid:** he literally drugged you

 **Mom:** Well, it’s not like it’s the first time that happened!

 **The OG Kid:** the fact you can say that is so worrying

 **Mom:** Again. “Yoda’s Lineage.”

 **The Improved Kid:** true true true

 **Mom:** Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse. Getting drugged or passing out drunk after a drink and a half.

 **The OG Kid:** THE ALCHOHLA WAS STROGN

 **Mom:** Anakin honestly.

 **The Improved Kid:** youre a lightweight master just accept it

 **The OG Kid:** YOU CANT EVEN DRINK SNIPS

 **Mom:** Yes, you are definitely not drinking until you are at least 18.

 **The Improved Kid:** Hey! You’re the underaged drinker here!

 **Mom:** I was 19 when Satine and I were on Mandalore.

 **The Improved Kid:** hmmmmmm

 **;)Case:** Wait does that make us underage drinkers??

 **Kix Ass:** not technically since we have the physical body and mentality of a 30-ish year old.

 **;)Case:** ish??

 **Kix Ass:** how old are you Hard case?

 **;)Case:** thars stuppid I’m 

**;)Case:** uuhhh

 **;)Case:** _uuuhhhhhhh_

 **Kix Ass:** because of the weird aging process we can’t pinpoint our exact age

 **Dad1:** Kix I think you just gave Hardcase an existential crisis

 **Kix Ass:** oh

 **Kix Ass:** oops

 **Horny Bastard:** _OOPS??_

 **Horny Bastard:** YOU JUST GAVE ANXIETY AND ALL YOU SAY IS OOOPS????

 **Horny Bastard:** BITCH???

 **Mom:** Language please, Ahsoka’s still here.

 **The OG Kid:** its not like shes heard worse!

 **Mom:** _sigh_

 **The OG Kid:** you dont need to act like an angsty teen Obi Wan

 **Mom:** I have to stoop to your level _somehow,_ Anakin.

 **The OG Kid:** I

 **The Improved Kid:** _OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHOHOHOHO GET FUCKING OWNED SKYGUY_

 **Mom:** AHSOKA!

 **The Improved Kid:** Ooops

 **The Improved Kid:** Jesse say it for me

 **Hey Jessie:** _OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH GET FUCKING OWNED GENERAL AAAYYYY_

 **Mom:** Honestly.

 **Mom:** You know what, I’ll take it.

 **The Improved Kid:** aaaaayyyyyy!!!

 **The OG Kid:** Im still recovering from getting burned so hard I’m all the way on Mustafar and youre laughing. Im burning on a river bed and your karking laughing

 **Hey Jessie:** it was a pretty good one tho

 **The OG Kid:** It WAS and thats why im MAD

 **Dad1:** The Negotiator Gentlebeings!!

 **The OG Kid:** aaahhhh thats right youre actually good with your mouth

**Hey Jessie:**

**Horny Bastard:**

**Boiled:**

**Waxed:**

**Dad1:**

**Dad2:**

**Rex’s Fav:**

**Gwegow UwU:**

**The Improved Kid:** _skyguy_

**Mom:**

**Mom:** _anakin sfajkdn_

 **The OG Kid:** WAITWHATNOWIYEWGTHAT THATS NOT NO WHAT NONONONNONONOONNONOOOO 

**The OG Kid:** NOOAKASKFJBHNONONONOONO THATS NOT NO WAUTWAITWAITWAIT NO NONONO

 **Dad1:** rip General Skywalker

 **Dad1:** the clumsy bastard

 **The OG Kid:** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cannibal/The Improved Kid: Ahsoka Tano  
> MotherFucker/Dad2: Rex  
> Dad1: Cody  
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> Horny Bastard: Fives  
> Gwegow UwU: Gregor  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Rex's Fav: Echo  
> Waxed: Waxer  
> Boiled: Boil  
> Kix Ass: Kix  
> Hey Jessie: Jesse


	19. Who gave Obi-Wan drugs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: drug usage/discussion
> 
> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Dad1: Cody  
> Dad2: Rex  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> The Improved Kid/Ahsoka: Ahsoka Tano  
> Kix Ass: Kix  
> Unduli: Luminara Unduli  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Horny Bastard: Fives  
> Rex's Fav: Echo  
> Hey Jessie: Jesse

**[** **Everyone Else I Guess** **]**

**Mom:** There are, like, so many drugs in me rn you wouldn’t even  _ believe.  _

**The OG Kid:** ayo the fuck

**Mom:** sooooo many

**The OG Kid:** ….

**The OG Kid:** where even are you??

**Mom:** hmmmm

**Dad1:** He’s in med 

**Dad1:** idiot overworked himself so we drugged him to get him to stop

**The Improved Kid:** ,,, was there no other way to get him to rest??

**The OG Kid:** you know what no that’s definitely the better option

**The OG Kid:** this just gives us the added benefit of him being stupid high

**Mom:** i’m so fucking zooted over here force

**The Improved Kid:** holy shit

**Kix Ass:** Jesse is fucking passing out laughing whats going on

**Kix Ass:** oh

**Kix Ass:** gnerla lpease

**Mom:** the universe is speaking to me

**Mom:** it wants me  _ dead  _

**The OG Kid:** _ how many painkillers is he o n??? _

**Mom:** So many so so many

**Dad2:** how is his spelling still so good wtf

**Mom:** practice

**The OG Kid:** _ PRACTICE???? WHAT _

**Mom:** I had to find some fun in the absolute rollercoaster that was my life Anakin

**Mom:** If you really want to know you can ask Quinlan or Luminara about it

**The OG Kid:** LUMINAEAASKFHJ???

**The Improved Kid:** _ MASTER UNDULI?? WH A T  _

**Mom:** Oh yes, we got up to so much shit when we were padawans

* * *

**[** **Ahsoka Tano has private messaged Luminara Unduli** **]**

**Ahsoka:** DID YOU DO DRUGS WITH MASTER KENOBI AND MASTER VOS???

**Unduli:** Which one told you that?!

**Ahsoka:** Obi-Wan

**Unduli:** Hmmm…

**Unduli:** That’s fine then.

**Ahsoka:** _ WHAT _

* * *

**[** **Everyone Else I Guess** **]**

**The Improved Kid:** OH MY FORCE YOU ACTUALLY DID

**[The Improved Kid has sent a screenshot]**

**The OG Kid:** wow

**The OG Kid:** WAIT

**The OG Kid:** WHY WASN’T I ALLOWED TO SMOKE SPACE WEED

**Dad2:** _ space weed? _

**Mom:** It’s the name he can handle sweetheart

**The OG Kid:** my master is a punk

**Mom:** a punk bitch aaaaaaayy

**;)Case:** high kenobi is my favorite kenobi

**Mom:** Thank you Hardcase, you are also one of my favorite troopers from the 501st

**Horny Bastard:** HEY

**Mom:** It’s okay Fives you’re also on that list

**Mom:** albeit quite low,, but still there! <3

**Horny Bastard:** I

**Rex’s Fav:** LMAOOOOOO FIVES GET  _ FUCKED  _

**Mom:** Echo you are also one of my favorites! :D

**Rex’s Fav:** o-ooh

**Rex’s Fav:** thank you sir that means a lot to me ;-;

**Mom:** <3

**Rex’s Fav:** I’m gonna go cry for a sec

**Mom:** ???

**The Improved Kid:** this is the best day of my life

**Mom:** well I’m glad it’s going so well for you Ahsoka :)

**The Improved Kid:** ajfhbajsfh thanks mom

**The OG Kid:** OBI-WAAAAANN

**The OG Kid:** I WANNA TRY EDIBLES

**Mom:** No, they’re bad for you

**The OG Kid:** YOU GOT THEM

**Mom:** You really don’t want to imitate me sweety

**The OG Kid:** I-

**The OG Kid:** you think i’m sweet ;-;

**Mom:** Well,, you’re a disaster first and foremost but yes, I do think you’re quite sweet Anakin

**The OG Kid:** thanks <3

**Mom:** But no. You’re not trying edibles

**The OG Kid:** fuck

**The Improved Kid:** Can I try?

**Mom:** hmm…

**Mom:** When you’re 18 Ahsoka

**The OG Kid:** _ WHAT _

**The Improved Kid:** _ HA GET FUCKED SKYGUY SUCK IT _

**The OG Kid:** S N I P S

**The OG Kid:** OBI-WAN REALLY???

**Mom:** She’s already twice as responsible as you were at her age Anakin. I think I can trust her with edibles a little.

**The Improved Kid:** _ Y E S  _

**Mom:** _ But _

**Mom:** Rex, Cody, or myself have to be there with you.

**The OG Kid:** Why not me!!!

**Mom:** You’re liable to letting her do whatever she wants to dear.

**The OG Kid:** hmmm,, true

**Mom:** Exactly

**The Improved Kid:** that doesn’t seem so bad

**The Improved Kid:** deal!

**Mom:** Perfect

**Kix Ass:** How the hell are you this level headed while drugged 

**Mom:** like I said earlier, practice

**Mom:** I am still very much high

**Mom:** so very fucking high

**Hey Jessie:** thsi si so fuckigb funny im crying

**Hey Jessie:** Waiter!! I would like what he’s having!

**Kix Ass:** Jesse I will personally jettison you out of the airlock if I find you balls deep in weed or any kind of drug not prescribed to you and that’s a force damned promise

**Hey Jessie:** right,,,

**Kix Ass:** Jesse I’m not playing rn

**Kix Ass:** I will fucking end you

**Hey Jessie:** ….

**Dad2:** I will actually have you scrubbing floors til your tattooed ass turns old and wrinkled don’t test me

**Hey Jessie:** _ UGH FINE _

**Mom:** It’s Anakin all over again

**The OG Kid:** HEY!!

**Mom:** …

**Mom:** holy shit I can see sound

**Dad1:** is this even safe?

**Dad1:** how long is this high going to last?

**Kix Ass:** idfk ask your medic

**Dad1:** Bitch is passed tf out

**Kix Ass:** w

**Kix Ass:** what

**Dad1:** Helix fell into a mini coma after administering the drugs and I literally couldn’t wake him

**Kix Ass:** wha

**Kix Ass:** IM COMING OVER RIGHT NOW WHAT HTE H E L L

**Kix Ass:** WHOS WATCHING OVER THE GENERAL??

**Dad1:** I am and a few others

**Kix Ass:** and are they medical professionals?

**Dad1:** if you’re asking if they’re all trained medics then the answer is yes. 

**Dad1:** they took one look at helix’s maybe corpse and Obi-Wan high off his ass and shrugged

**Dad1:** as long as neither of them are dead or dead by morning I’m gonna count it as a win.

**Kix Ass:** alright fair

**The OG Kid:** how close were you to fucking running?

**Kix Ass:** I was halfway there at this point

**Horny Bastard:** damn

**Mom:** indeed

**Mom:** Cody sounds like the 212th gold,,

**Mom:** is that a coincidence what the hell

**The Improved Kid:** I want drugs  _ now  _

**Dad2:** okay wait im coming over too im curious

**The OG Kid:** why is he like this

**The OG Kid:** but no im curious too and no snips you’re not taking drugs yet

**The Improved Kid:** aaawww

**Kix Ass:** oh hey captain I see u

**Dad2:** wanna come w/

**Kix Ass:** yeah was heading over anyways

**Dad2:** nice

**Mom:** no one else from the 212th sounds like our color what is this

**Mom:** they’re all similar but also different what

**Hey Jessie:** what the hell i want what u have rn 

**Mom:** oh Kix and Rex are here! :D

**Mom:** ,,,

**Mom:** Rex sounds like the 501st blue but Kix is a few shades darker and grayer what is this

**Mom:** Can I have this when I’m sober this is awesome

**Dad2:** what the fuck

**Dad1:** thats weird this is weird

**Mom:** Someone get me the CC’s of every battalion I have to test this

**Kix Ass:** absolutely not you’re going to sleep

**Mom:** I’m fucking high out of my brain and seeing sounds and you want me to sleep?

**Kix Ass:** yes that would be awesome sir

**Mom:** hmmm

**Mom:** night

**Dad2:** night bitch

**Dad1:** rex I’m going to kill you

* * *

**Mom:** WHY DID YOU LEAVE MY COMM WITH ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

**Helix:** ha

**The Improved Kid:** L

**The Improved Kid:** Soooo, master, about those edibles

**Mom:** ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mom: Obi-Wan Kenobi  
> Dad1: Cody  
> Dad2: Rex  
> The OG Kid: Anakin Skywalker  
> The Improved Kid/Ahsoka: Ahsoka Tano  
> Kix Ass: Kix  
> Unduli: Luminara Unduli  
> ;)Case: Hardcase  
> Horny Bastard: Fives  
> Rex's Fav: Echo  
> Hey Jessie: Jesse

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [They should not let us have group chats.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25049353) by [One_Real_Imonkey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/One_Real_Imonkey/pseuds/One_Real_Imonkey)
  * [Yet Another Star Wars Group Chat Fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26002792) by [TallNegotiations (RedSoleWrites)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedSoleWrites/pseuds/TallNegotiations)




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